NIMH Fanfic Excerpt #1

As I had promised, here is the first of three excerpts from my fanfics. This is from the prelude to my longer set of works; the title is "Mirrorside." You'll find out the significance of this title as you read on...


(begin excerpt)

The everlasting darkness, it seemed, had at last visited the earth. All around her she saw nothing but blackness, a deep, penetrating blackness that threated to drown her in the pits of her sorrow, to thrust her into the darkest pits of despair, anguish and terror. She grasped fitfully at the space in front of her, but found nothing. All around her was this surreal shadow, this mass of pure contradiction that pressed against her very being. There was no warmth, but no cold. No sight, yet no blindness. This conflict of contrary aspects engulfed her, embraced her with such force as to crush her against her own soul. The unbearable force was enough to make life, nay, death itself seem an unimaginable horror, a terrible pain that drove her to the brink of insanity.

At once, however, it all stopped. The neverending insensation was brought to an abrupt termination as light, blessed, glorious light, engulfed her and release her bonds from this hellish prison. An intolerable pressure, it seemed, began to build up against the sides of her head, throbbing and drilling into the recesses of her mind. Vaguely, she recalled, in a shadow of fleeting memory, the nature of this odd sensation, this most egregious piercing rumble penetrating into her head. It was a thing given but few names, but she knew, as though no other thought would have been without it, that this thing that pierced from without was what men called sound. Slowly, this thing called sound gained a voice, then a mind, as it ecohed into her mind, and into her heart.

"Look, she's moving," said a voice. "She's waking up!"

"My God," said another, deeper voice, "Elizabeth..."

"Someone called the doctor, stat!" shouted yet another voice.

At that moment, the blinding light that had so far embraced the core of her awareness as an amorphous entity began to coalesce, and take shape, in defiance of the previous chaos that had been the character of her internment within herself. Slowly, but with a definite pace, the shapes took form before her sight, her eyes shocked into pained operation as though they had never been used before. First, her sight acknowledged, then discerned, then, finally, understood, as at last her sight was fully regained, and her previous connection with the unfeeling blackness was, it seemed, put aside indefinitely.

She blinked and gazed at her surroundings , trying once again to grasp her precarious situation. All around, in contrast to what was before, was a stark, pallid tone of white, its colourless hue absorbing the beginnings of colour that had only be reborn within her eyes for but a moment. Above she sensed the source of the light; three, shining disks of pure luminesence gashed streaks of light against her eyes, causing her to wince and blink in pain. The cold, jeering chracter of the room impressed itself upon her, the sharp corners, the bright lights, the metallic fixtures all seemed to gaze at her and mock her weak state in a loud, silent passivity. The whole room loomed over her, threatening to crush her within herself, just as before in that horrid blackness. In a brief moment of terror, she pressed back defensively, only to feel a very unexpected sensation of comfort, warmth, and restfulness.

She was lying, it seemed, in some sort of bed, a greenish blanket wrapped snuggly against her body. As she continued her half-conscious inspection, she found that she was likewise clothed in green, a strange, gown-like garment that provided minimal cover, but sufficient modesty and dignity. Soon, her awareness began its own restoration. The sharp corners dulled and faded, the lights blared softer as her vision adjusted. Even the fixtures, with their monstrous mocking grins, were tamed and reduced, made less terrible by the reality of their mundanity.

The female, now restored to a reasonable state of consciousness, could now begin to truly comprehend her condition, her status, as it where. From the appearance of the room, with its corners and fixtures, she was in some sort of institution, very likely a hospital. Very suddenly she was struck with the peculiarity of the idea. The very notion that someone such as she would find herself in anything even resembling a hospital, or indeed, any sort of human institution was an idea that bordered upon the fantastical. It was ridiculous, absurd, even childish to think that such a thing would be possible. After all, she was only a little field mouse who lived in a cinder block under a farmer's field, and that sort of creature was more likely to wind up dead than be taken under the aegis of a public facility.

The apparent field mouse was at once enlightened, in a brief, shocking moment, of the truth of the matter and the answer to the enigma. It came about as a single utterance, a single, finite pattern of sound that constituted speech and language that was directed to her and, in its wake, brought about a terrible revelation.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Brisby, everything is all right. You're in good hands."

The one named Mrs. Brisby, jolted out of her conscious daydream, turned towards the source of the sound, and received the greatest fright of her life. At once, she began to scream. She screamed and hollered and yelled as though the very stuff of nightmares had materialized before her, for within her own judgement that was indeed the case. Before her stood a monstrous creature, a ghastly being that was far more dangerous and terrible than any animal in the forest or otherwise. She knew it at once upon sight, with its hideous, flat nose, its discoloured lips, its deformed, pudgy ears that dangled precariously from an odd, egg-shaped head. It was the most frightening, the most fearsome creature that ever trod upon the face of the ground.

It was a human.

(end excerpt)


So, what do you think? Questions? Comments? Screams of shock and fury? Any reaction would be nice ^_^

I like it. Well written, and it seems to flow well. You obviously have good control of the language, a fair step into the progress of the story, and your vocabulary is very well used.

If you would like, I could offer you a few critique tips on the excerpt. Only suggestions and thoughts, of course. It's well done, but it "could" use a minor edit from friends of you have any willing to pick at it.

I'm not sure of your stance on critiques, so I'm not sure what suggestions to make on a general basis. :)

i like it it flows well And it keeps my attention i would however like to see more of it. when are you going to add to it?

I like it. Well written, and it seems to flow well. You obviously have good control of the language, a fair step into the progress of the story, and your vocabulary is very well used.

Thank you very much. It's good to know that my work is being appreciated. ^__^

If you would like, I could offer you a few critique tips on the excerpt. Only suggestions and thoughts, of course. It's well done, but it "could" use a minor edit from friends of you have any willing to pick at it.

I'm not sure of your stance on critiques, so I'm not sure what suggestions to make on a general basis. :D

I have no qualms against people critiquing my work. In fact, I am very open and perceptive of them. They would only help better my skill as a writer.

Feel free to be as detailed (and as harsh) as you wish. Go crazy. Don't worry about being too hard either; it's only a first draft, after all. I could always edit it to make improvements.

when are you going to add to it?

I actually have another section that follows this excerpt, but I left it out because it would spoil the main twist of the whole plot. I'll leave you all to your imaginations for now :)

Also, this chapter actually has a rather large section at the beginning that precedes this scene; I just went ahead and wrote down this part out of pure inspiration. I had intended it to be the very start, but, after some thought, I saw that it would be better to have some preceding details to establish the background better.

Anyways, I hope I don't keep you in too much suspense; I'll try to have the completed, finalized chapter in Robin's as soon as I can :)