dont look

because i will likely have change alot of story i will not post it here until such time that my fan fic is a little more understandable i apologize for any troubles this will cause.

Okay, I kind of get the just of what's going on, but it might be hard if not impossible for others to follow.

I'm assuming by 'before it comes back on' you mean the fan inside the ventalation shafts at NIMH. :? Also I'm assuming this scene occurs just after the mice get sucked down the ventalation shafts, and you are saying a few survived, yes?

--Tzolkin
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ouch tough reply but well deserved since i only had five minutes to post it and it was not finishe. to answer your question
1. yes it takes place after the mice are sucked down the ventalation saft.
2. yes they are the survivers.
again sorry for lack of detail i was rushed so please go easy on it it is a work in progress but later today i will post update kay.

Ahh. . . I see you are getting much better at it. . . :)

Keep up the good work, and work on those details. That's the most important part.

--Tzolkin
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Hello Leejakobson,
here are my first thoughts about the story beginning:
1.I like that the story begins in the time before the movie/book. There are not many fanfics that cover that time period.
2.You found a good reason why Jake and Cindy could not follow the other escapees quickly by giving them the task to care for their injured comrades.
3.The text is not boring and builds up enough anticipation that I would read on.
4.There were nine mice blown away into the ventilation shaft, not six.
5.The tracers are a good reason why the rats left with Jonathan and Ralph so quickly, but I don´t see the reason why not all rats and mice have tracers.

More will follow.

4.There were nine mice blown away into the ventilation shaft, not six.
5.The tracers are a good reason why the rats left with Jonathan and Ralph so quickly, but I don´t see the reason why not all rats and mice have tracers.

More will follow.

thank you for your comments allow me too replie
4. yes in the movie there were 9 but i accedently went by the book wich contains 6
5. you brought up an interesting point and i planed to answer it in the future with the lack of time to put the tracers on all
angain i like responses continue too replie as i update the storie check about once a week for updates.

Hello Leejakobson,
here are some additional thoughts:
6.The current story can both follow the book or the movie. It would be interesting to see a story that follows the book but I don´t mind if it follows the movie.
7.The siblings of Mr. Brisby and Mr. Ages as main characters are an original idea.
8.Dr. Schultz as whining henchman of the great dictator of NIMH is a refreshing new character concept for this book character.
9.The introduction of the president of NIMH gave enough details that someone can get an general overview of his personality, but left enough out for interesting revelations in the coming story.
10.When you describe the two seriously injured mice, the noun for the form of Serinidy´s wound is missing. In the same sentence and the sentence before you also swapped the names of Serinidy and Cindy.
11.You should use a spell checker on a text before you post him, like I do. You would probably save time during writing and the text would be easier to understand.

Hello Leejakobson,
here are some additional thoughts:
6.The current story can both follow the book or the movie. It would be interesting to see a story that follows the book but I don´t mind if it follows the movie.

i may refrence characters from the book but i want my story to remain mostly true to the movie

7.The siblings of Mr. Brisby and Mr. Ages as main characters are an original idea.
8.Dr. Schultz as whining henchman of the great dictator of NIMH is a refreshing new character concept for this book character
9.The introduction of the president of NIMH gave enough details that someone can get an general overview of his personality, but left enough out for interesting revelations in the coming story.

i really like to insagate new suprises in my fan fics and new ideas some will be a bit bezare

10.When you describe the two seriously injured mice, the noun for the form of Serinidy´s wound is missing. In the same sentence and the sentence before you also swapped the names of Serinidy and Cindy.
11.You should use a spell checker on a text before you post him, like I do. You would probably save time during writing and the text would be easier to understand.

sorry about that but this is just the first draft fresh ideas come straight out unedited i get opinions and you inform me of any mistakes i make so what i send to simon when it is finished has a chance too be posted at thornvalley.com or if he dont except it i will post it at robins site

K, finally got some time to do some reading. I like it so far. You have some complex plot lines going on here and some early character development.

I'd have to agree with Dragon. You've got a good solid foundation for your story so far. I especially like the dark conspiratorial theme that seems to develop around shultz and his boss. Keep up the excellent work.

--Tzolkin
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you guys might have to wait a few days for an update i have test coming and the update i tried to post got deleted so it may take a while to rewrite needless to say i am a bit peeved

you guys might have to wait a few more days for an update its fighting me and i am getting simons help thanks for patients.

Hello Leejakobson,
this time I have nothing special to say about your work in progress, but the story is still interesting and well thought-out.

Hello Leejakobson,
this time I have nothing special to say about your work in progress, but the story is still interesting and well thought-out.

why thank you martin may i say that i hope to get it working so i can finish it these delays are just horrible. i am hoping to get through them as soon as posible and i wish to apologies to everyone for having to wait and i thank you for your patients if i dont get it fix this week i will put the story on a new post.