The Making of The War of Thorn Valley

I was originally planning on having one script written solely by me, and then one written through a collaboration of me and someone who's actually good at writing. That won't work. For one thing, I'll never finish if I write it myself. For another, if I do write it myself and I happen to finish it, I'll probably be domineering in the creation of the real one. Then I'd be no better than this guy.

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George Lucas has been domineering and dictatorial in his franchises lately, and it has been made apparent that by himself he is not a good storyteller, and that is why many of his more recent offerings aren't too good.

So, I'm scrapping my idea, and I'm going to start from scratch with other writers.

I'll start off with a question: If Secret of NIMH got a theatrical sequel, what would you want to be in it?

Here's what I'd want:
Starring Mrs. Brisby
Co-Starring Racso
Jonathan Returning (Originally, I thought this would be a dumb idea, but it's apparently more popular than I thought)
Martin and Breta (I don't know why I'm so interested in this. Maybe it's because Martin's my Brisby parallel or something.)

I wonder if there's any fanfiction for Martin and Breta... Anyway, here's an idea I had for Martin and Breta. Breta is this nice, polite, shy mouse. She's always aiming to please. Because of this, Auntie Shrew holds her in high regard. Of course, the problems start when Martin and Breta fall in love. The mouseling she respects the most falls in love with... That spoiled brat Martin! The Shrew does everything in her power (and she has a LOT of power, being responsible for the entire field) to keep the two apart. Martin gets frustrated at this and is ready to just give up. Breta thinks instead that a plan is required: A truce. Martin and the Shrew hold a truce and pay each other respect (and they're both doing this for Breta), and eventually, they call their feud off entirely. The Shrew then allows their relationship to continue.

Another thing I was thinking about was Racso's backstory. I'm sure this has probably been discussed before.

Here's what I was thinking: Jenner and Racso's mother are in the rosebush, having some sort of sex innuendo. Racso was born accidentally after this. Jenner was so consumed with regret that he wanted to kill Racso right there. Racso's mother protests at this, and sneaks away with Racso to the city behind Jenner's back. Now, I'm not saying that's WHY he's evil, but it certainly wouldn't help if he felt betrayed by his family. Racso grew up in the city, always in pursuit of pleasure: the candy, movies, girls, etc. that he showed interest in in Racso and the Rats of NIMH. Then, one day, he's curious as to who his father was, and runs away from his mom to look for the rosebush.

What would you like to see?

EDIT: Here's the list of what we've got so far:

1: A civil war between two divided parties of the Rats. The "good" side will be the one Justin is on.
1A: The War is about whether or not to reveal themselves to the humans.
1B: Martin is poisoned. Mrs. Brisby must get the antidote for him before he dies.

2: A Martin and Breta subplot.
2A: Jonathan's romance problems are copy-pasted onto Martin.
2B: The Shrew blitches around in her usual manner.
2C: Breta has Beige Fur, Green Eyes, Big Ears, and a shy personality. Martin is a head taller than her.

EDIT: Changed the title to match what the story will be.

Steven

Jonathan returning is becoming cliched among this fanfiction community. He's returned in sooooo many contrived ways that it has far outlived its already limited novelty. Hell, Id prefer to have Justin and Mrs. Brisby together than to read another Jonathan returning story.

Now....the Martin and Brenda thing can work, but the Jenner and Racso thing,....what do you mean by sex innuendo?

Personally, I would like some other conflict other than "humans r da evills!!" plot we all know and love. A conflict rising from in the rat community or maybe some wildlife or natural disaster type threat. The latter sounding like a really good idea.

Jonathan returning is becoming cliched among this fanfiction community. He's returned in sooooo many contrived ways that it has far outlived its already limited novelty. Hell, Id prefer to have Justin and Mrs. Brisby together than to read another Jonathan returning story.

Now....the Martin and Brenda thing can work, but the Jenner and Racso thing,....what do you mean by sex innuendo?

Personally, I would like some other conflict other than "humans r da evills!!" plot we all know and love. A conflict rising from in the rat community or maybe some wildlife or natural disaster type threat. The latter sounding like a really good idea.

That settles it! Jonathan is OUT!!!

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Hmm... Perhaps Mrs. Brisby dying in the end and then going to heaven with Jonathan? Nah.

Martin and Breta is (probably) IN!!!

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(Is that how you spell her name? Brenda? I could've sworn it was Breta...) I just wanted to be sure we've settled on a personality for her, and that the one I described isn't the complete opposite to whatever someone else wrote.

What I meant was that there had to be some reason for Racso and his mother to live in a city. Having him being born by accident between two unmarried rats having sex that fateful day, then the father feeling so guilty that he wants to kill him so that he can forget about his mistake, and the mother feeling the opposite way, and the mother and Racso escaping to the city... That's just my excuse for having Racso exist without Jenner leaving the nest. I'll accept other explanations, too!

I agree that humans shouldn't be the bad guys. It's been cliched in more places than JUST SoN. Happy Feet is the first example that comes to mind. Because there'll be no human bad guys, that means NO DAMN DAM!!! (<joke) I like the idea of Hawks, though. Perhaps some anthropomorphic hawks that are more clever than the Rats give them credit for.

My early plot involved the rising river problem. The rising river wasn't caused by a dam, but actually caused by an supernatural evil cloud. It swallowed up dead rodents (Nicodemus, Jenner, Jonathan, etc.) and revived them so it can live off of them. Its living fuels off of their living. That's basically my excuse for having Jonathan live and bringing him back. Dumb, I know.

We'll need to have [i]some[/i] sort of supernatural twist on the plot though. All we have so far is (maybe) Martin and Breta, which is only B-Plot material.

What do you think about having Racso use The Stone at the end in an epic, heroic way?

Steven

Resurrecting dead characters is just a lazy way to be creative. Don't get me wrong, there are many ways in which it can work, it's just that I'm just sick of reading it.

You don't really need something supernatural. You don't need the stone either. Create something unique.

...I don't think rats really consider adultery sinful, you might wanna rethink the whole Racso situation.

Resurrecting dead characters is just a lazy way to be creative. Don't get me wrong, there are many ways in which it can work, it's just that I'm just sick of reading it.

You don't really need something supernatural. You don't need the stone either. Create something unique.

...I don't think rats really consider adultery sinful, you might wanna rethink the whole Racso situation.

Yes, we've established that. Jonathan is OUT. Moving on.

Hmmmm...

Sorry... :oops: How about this? Racso was born in the rosebush, he gets tired of it, and he runs away from his parents to the city life he's always wanted. Later, after all of the candy, movies, rock music, and girls, he gets homesick and tries to find his way back to the rats, leading him to Thorn Valley.

Steven

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh...........how about we just stick to the whole Martin and Brenda thing. Any romance going on between the Brisby children would be extremely interesting because they aren't normal mice. They would have to go through what Jonathan went through. It would be a nice challenge for you.

So here's what we have so far:
1. A natural disaster/wildlife threat.
2. A subplot involving Martin and Brenda.

Not a bad start if I may say so.

The Martin and Breta thing is a great idea as long as it's kept a subplot. Just please no Racso. lol

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh...........how about we just stick to the whole Martin and Brenda thing. Any romance going on between the Brisby children would be extremely interesting because they aren't normal mice. They would have to go through what Jonathan went through. It would be a nice challenge for you.

So here's what we have so far:
1. A natural disaster/wildlife threat.
2. A subplot involving Martin and Brenda.

Not a bad start if I may say so.

Okay, we're making progress! I'll update the first post as needed. :D

The thought of Martin outliving Breta would definitely create another juicy problem to fuel the plot. Perhaps for their relationship in that respect, Martin considers the mistakes Jonathan made, and tries his best to avoid them. Things could get interesting... :twisted:

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Also, Racso is OUT!!!

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Pity, though. I was imagining his personality being overhauled to be less hair-rippingly frustrating than he was in the book.

Steven

I was toying with the idea of a wildfire scenario for my fanfiction, but ended up not using it. There are endless possibilities for this.

1. Fire
2. Stampede
3. Blizzard
4. Hurricane/Tornado/Flood

I like number 3 or number 4 (primarily the flood). You can very easily build up tension as the days go by and the rats are running out of supplies and dying. This can build another layer on top of the Martin relationship.

I was toying with the idea of a wildfire scenario for my fanfiction, but ended up not using it. There are endless possibilities for this.

1. Fire
2. Stampede
3. Blizzard
4. Hurricane/Tornado/Flood

I like number 3 or number 4 (primarily the flood). You can very easily build up tension as the days go by and the rats are running out of supplies and dying. This can build another layer on top of the Martin relationship.

I was thinking about the flood, too. It was a part of my original idea. I'm adding it to the list!

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Steven

Let's add in some of the support characters like Auntie Shrew and The Great Owl. The rats could seek the advice of the Great Owl sometime during the story and Auntie Shrew can just be the bee-itch that everyone loves to hate, I'm sure we can figure out a way to shoe horn her in naturally.

Let's add in some of the support characters like Auntie Shrew and The Great Owl. The rats could seek the advice of the Great Owl sometime during the story and Auntie Shrew can just be the bee-itch that everyone loves to hate, I'm sure we can figure out a way to shoe horn her in naturally.

As for the Owl, he could certainly be the source of advice for the rats. Maybe, during the growing crisis, Justin goes to the Owl to seek his help. He tells Justin instructions, and the rats try their best to follow them. Perhaps there could be problems trying to follow the instructions? Or perhaps it's just mere advice?

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As for the Shrew, like I said above, she could be one of the complications between Martin and Breta's relationship, as if all of Jonathan's problems weren't enough! I'm sure she can be a nuisance in other places, too.

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Then there's Jeremy. He's started a family with "Miss Right" and they're going to have kids. The impending flood could cause problems, like maybe (if it gets high/powerful enough) uprooting their tree and losing the eggs.

Steven

So now for some questions of my own:
How would Mrs. Brisby figure into all of this? Should she just be left a supporting character and have the main character be Justin? Or maybe Timmy? (Great, now we're just re-making Timmy to the Rescue) :P

How would the flood problem be resolved?

What does Breta look like? What's her personality? The first time I imagined her, I ended up looking at basically a clone of Teresa. I don't think we can use that. For her personality, like I said above, I was considering polite but timid.

What's Miss Right's name? What's her personality?

And how about Justin's #1 fan, Isabella? Should she make an appearance?

Steven

I think Mrs. Brisby can be dead by this point lidodges stones and rotten tomatoesli. I would also like their to be a civil war between the rats, how we go about this, we'll plan later. I just think that a flood isn't enough conflict without something backing it up.

Brenda can have green eyes, beige fur, and long ears. Considering Martin's personality, I would consider her to be arrogant and tacky. I think the main character should be Martin and Timmy can be a support character. A good idea is to have Timmy and Martin on different sides of the rat's civil war.

Julie is a good name for Mrs. Right. Though I want as little of Jeremy as possible because he annoys the living hell out of me. Sorry Dom DeLuise.

I think Mrs. Brisby can be dead by this point lidodges stones and rotten tomatoesli. I would also like their to be a civil war between the rats, how we go about this, we'll plan later. I just think that a flood isn't enough conflict without something backing it up.

Brenda can have green eyes, beige fur, and long ears. Considering Martin's personality, I would consider her to be arrogant and tacky. I think the main character should be Martin and Timmy can be a support character. A good idea is to have Timmy and Martin on different sides of the rat's civil war.

Julie is a good name for Mrs. Right. Though I want as little of Jeremy as possible because he annoys the living hell out of me. Sorry Dom DeLuise.

Hmmm... I don't know. The whole point of a sequel is seeing the main characters in action again. With Mrs. Brisby dead, it'd be little better than her unessential role in Timmy to the Rescue.

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Arrogant and tacky? Hmm... Meaning they argue a lot? Interesting... It contradicts what I imagined, but it seems to fit Martin better. It would also mean that the Shrew would probably hate both of them. Please, keep talking.

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Jeremy's not the main character, so I think we can minimize his role in this one. ;)

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If Mrs. Brisby is to be the main character, there would have to be a conflict for her, though. Without repeating the "house is in the middle of danger" plot from the original, the choices are severely limited.

Steven

I encourage other people to join me and Timbers in our creation of a sequel. The more, the merrier. ;)

Steven

Mrs. Brisby has to be in it. Other than that I love the idea about some kind of civil war with the rats, and the Brisby family being torn between the two sides. And yes, Jeremy's role could be kept minimal.

Maybe we can have Mrs. Brisby find a new mate (not Justin, another mouse, don't wanna have STDs in Thorn Valley). This would be interesting to explain that her children and her late husband are hyper-inteligent mutant mice. Though I don't want her to be the focus, more of a support character. I want Martin, Brenda, and Timmy to be the main focus. She would have a dilemma picking which side of the war to be on.

The civil war could be about a lot of things. One thing that comes to mind is the idea of presenting themselves to the human world or the idea of the introduction of an economy.

I've always thought it would be good drama for Mrs. Brisby to find another mate. I was thinking about writing a sequel at one time and was going to go with this idea.

And the economic angle, nice. Fits in with what I asked you about in that other thread. Maybe like an "Arthur Shrugged" or something. lol

Maybe we can have Mrs. Brisby find a new mate (not Justin, another mouse, don't wanna have STDs in Thorn Valley). This would be interesting to explain that her children and her late husband are hyper-inteligent mutant mice. Though I don't want her to be the focus, more of a support character. I want Martin, Brenda, and Timmy to be the main focus. She would have a dilemma picking which side of the war to be on.

The civil war could be about a lot of things. One thing that comes to mind is the idea of presenting themselves to the human world or the idea of the introduction of an economy.

Maybe we can have Mrs. Brisby find a new mate, though we already have Martin and Breta as a romantic couple.

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Timmy, Martin, and Breta as the focus? Hmm... If Martin and Breta are relegated to the B-Plot, that would make the A-plot about Timmy.

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Yes, making Timmy the main character wouldn't automatically make the movie THAT bad, but...

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Presenting themselves to the Humans is a great idea! It's so theatrical, so dramatic, so IN!!!

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We could tie it into the flood plot, and have the only shelter be a place crawling with humans. There's a bunch of politics regarding whether or not they should risk it. It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT!!!

So now, let's take a deep breath and take our focus off of the rats for a second. Let's talk Mrs. Brisby. Let's elaborate on her role in the fanfic. (The point of which is, BTW, the theatrical sequel that we actually wanted)

Steven

The humans idea actually came from the fanfiction I'm writing, but I don't mind if it's used here, I haven't really begun writing that far into it yet. I got the idea from Paul Gibbs who wrote an unfinished story about the rats joining forces with the humans.

The humans idea actually came from the fanfiction I'm writing, but I don't mind if it's used here, I haven't really begun writing that far into it yet. I got the idea from Paul Gibbs who wrote an unfinished story about the rats joining forces with the humans.

Well, then, if your fanfic has the humans successfully collaborating with the rats, how about they do the opposite in mineli? They reject the rats, or have Dr. Schultz capture them? Wait... That'd be making "humans r da evills!!" Never mind.

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We'll still keep the plot about showing themselves to the humans (RT, Margaret, anyone?), just not about humans being evil. On the other hand, Scamper The Penguin had both good and bad humans. Perhaps we could do the same for thisli.

liWe really need a name for this project. It's more of a fanfic than a film, but it's not really a fanfic about random characters, it's a fanfic that emulates the sequel that we were looking forward to. Any suggestions for titles? No 3's, please. Like American Tale: Fievel Goes West, let's try something like The Secret of NIMH: <Insert Title Here>. Not Secret of NIMH 3.

Steven

I don't know. It's hard to come up with a title with out knowing more of the story.

Here's another question: Will the stone be in it? If so, what part will it play? If not, why? Will there be an explanation?

I think we can forget about the stone. It can have a 'cameo' appearance, but that's it. It's a plot device made to show off pretty animation.

Maybe, maybe, it can be used as deus ex machina in some way.

I was thinking maybe "The War in Thorn Valley." We don't need to use "The Secret of NIMH."

Here's another question: Will the stone be in it? If so, what part will it play? If not, why? Will there be an explanation?

The battery died? :roll: I'm not really sure. It'd be great if it was in the story, but I'm not sure what to do with it. If you have any ideas, I'm all ears!

I was also toying with the idea of the rats having an alliance with a flock of crows. They'd be loyal friends. The leader of the flock is Gilbert (named after a character in Scamper the Penguin), who is friends with Justin. I think that this way, we can have crows (and easy transportation) in the story without resorting to Jeremy.



Anyway, here's a mock-up of the plot I think we've got so far:

It's summer of 1982. (Mrs. Brisby shouldn't be that much older by this point)

The rats are living very Amish lives in Thorn Valley. Not exactly the stereotypical utopia it's presumed to be, is it? Anyway, one of the sentry rats (not Brutus, this one has to actually talk) comes to Thorn Valley on crowback saying that there's a freak flood coming towards Thorn Valley. The flood is coming a little off the direction of the Fitzgibbons' farm.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Brisby and Martin are delivering supplies to their summer home. I'm not sure whether this is where Breta is first met or whether she and Martin are already in a relationship. I think the latter would work better. I'm not sure what to think about the Jonathan problems, as they're being put onto different characters. Martin has probably, like, maybe a tenth of the sensitivity of his father? And Breta would have to have something like a morbid fear of death if it makes Martin want to hold back the fact that he'd live longer than her. Perhaps I'm taking things too far, I don't know. We'll keep talking about it.

Anyway, Justin comes on crowback to the farm, and warns the Brisbys about the incoming flood. The flood would hit the farm first, so they'd have to evacuate the Brisbys. Breta would have to come along, too (She is, after all, the future Mrs. Martin Brisby). I'm not sure about the other animals from the field, though. Auntie Shrew can die for all I care.

The Brisbys and Breta are taken to Thorn Valley by way of crow. At Thorn Valley, there's a grand debate as to where to escape to. On the one hand, there's a shelter with humans in it that is guaranteed to be safe, and on the other hand, there's a human-free place that would offer better protection for the rats than Thorn Valley, but not as much protection as the humans' shelter. There's even rats arguing to just stay put and retrofit the village to withstand the flood. The Brisbys can be divided as to what the rats ought to do. It'd be interesting if Martin and Breta had opposing views, too.

In the midst of all the confusion, Justin decides to go to the Great Owl to seek advice on what to do. The Owl tells Justin that the only solution is to seek shelter with the humans.

Justin returns and tells the rats what the Owl told him. While the Brisbys immediately alter their opinions (after all, this IS the Great Owl we're talking about), this news effectively breaks the detractors away from the Rats of NIMH. There's civil war, and it rages until the flood is so close that the valley had to be evacuated immediately.

So all parties do what they think is right. The Brisbys and Breta go with the Rats who go to the humans' shelter. The Rats who wanted to stay in the valley die. The Rats who wanted to go to another sheltered place live a little longer, but they die as well. The remaining Rats and the Brisbys find protection in the Humans' shelter. From here, they could be found by Artie or Margaret, or maybe Dr. Schultz himself, or whatever.

Eventually, everything works out and everyone lives happily ever after.

Now let's put some meat on those bones!

Steven

I think you misunderstand what I'm talking about. I don't want humans in the story at all. The war is a conflict between showing their excistance to humans or not.

I think you misunderstand what I'm talking about. I don't want humans in the story at all. The war is a conflict between showing their excistance to humans or not.

Gotcha...

The Human's Shelter Plot Point is OUT!!!

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Steven

Timbers, this is just something that's been eating at me for the last few days. I know that you described Breta as Arrogant and Tacky, but what kind of chemistry are you thinking about between the two? Something like Indiana Jones and Marion? Or maybe something else?

Most people view Martin as being very bully-ish. So I would think he would pick a mate that is very reserved and introverted. Much like his mother maybe? A women that knows when to shut her mouth. Or if they do have similar personalitys, maybe it's because Martin knocked her up? That would be good tension.

Now the big problem with the flood idea is:

1) Why is it happening?

2) Are humans to blame?

3) Is it natural, if so what would cause a flood great enough to cover Thorn Valley?

4) If humans are to blame how/why? Are they building a dam? If so might as well re-write Racso and the rats of NIMH.

So yeah whatever.

Simple really....days of heavy rain near water can mean disaster. It wouldn't really take that much water to be a hazard for 4-6 inch rats. A blizzard could also work. Just some other conflict than said human plot. Now that we got the whole civil war thing, we can drop the flood if you want.

Most people view Martin as being very bully-ish. So I would think he would pick a mate that is very reserved and introverted. Much like his mother maybe? A women that knows when to shut her mouth. Or if they do have similar personalitys, maybe it's because Martin knocked her up? That would be good tension.

Now the big problem with the flood idea is:

1) Why is it happening?

2) Are humans to blame?

3) Is it natural, if so what would cause a flood great enough to cover Thorn Valley?

4) If humans are to blame how/why? Are they building a dam? If so might as well re-write Racso and the rats of NIMH.

So yeah whatever.

As for Martin and Breta, I personally like the first option (reserved and introverted) better. That way, the Jonathan problems are more easily put onto their situation. (Why would Martin care about Breta if she was a jerk? Unless the problem was "Tell HER? I'm not going to tell that lilililili a thing about NIMH!") Also, Racso and the Rats of NIMH describes her as being "a lovely young mouse." Perhaps meeting her softened Martin or something. I'd give it the seal of approval, but I'll need Timber's input on it.



As for the flood...

Simple really....days of heavy rain near water can mean disaster. It wouldn't really take that much water to be a hazard for 4-6 inch rats. A blizzard could also work. Just some other conflict than said human plot. Now that we got the whole civil war thing, we can drop the flood if you want.

^This. The flood is OUT!!!

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The war is IN!!!

[img="]http://www.talkandroid.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/seal-of-approval.jpg[" alt=""/img]



Now, let's agree on what they're fighting about! :twisted:

Steven

So the civil war should be whether or not they reveal themselves to humans? Not bad, but is this enough to cause a civil war?

So the civil war should be whether or not they reveal themselves to humans? Not bad, but is this enough to cause a civil war?

Hmm... It could be possible. But just as a safety precaution, let's make up a list of other things they could fight about. I'll start with a few things, and you can make up some more:

1. Famine. (Only abundant source of food requires stealing it?)
2. Lust for Electricity. (Some of the rats miss their luxurious life in the rosebush, and start to agree with Jenner's perspective of the situation)
3. .
4. .
5. .
6. .

Steven

1. Famine. (Only abundant source of food requires stealing it?)
2. Religion.
3. Economics.
4. Government.
5. Cast System.
6. Behavioral Sink

What is a good historical precedent for civil unrest?

1. Famine. (Only abundant source of food requires stealing it?)
2. Religion.
3. Economics.
4. Government.
5. Cast System.
6. Behavioral Sink.

What is a good historical precedent for civil unrest?

1. Famine. (Only abundant source of food requires stealing it?)
2. Religion.
3. Economics.
4. Government.
5. Cast System.
6. Behavioral Sink.
7. Lust for Electricity.

I think we've got a healthy amount of options. Let's decide!

I don't think famine would work, because if they ran out of food they would have to leave. Plus I don't think a place like Thorn Valley would run out of food.

Religion, economics, and government could all be balled into one.

Could be that one group wants a monarchy the other group wants parliamentary.

Free market vs. utopia.

Just trying to narrow it down.

I would like to try religion, it would be hard, but also really interesting. You could go the easy route and chose famine, but wouldn't be nearly as fun.

OK let's do religion.

Perhaps religion and its role in government. Should God be the central leader? Should the rats be allowed freedom of religion?

True true. Famine is OUT!!!

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Hmm... I'm not so sure about religion, as that's a pretty touchy subject. (Remember, this is an imaginary FILM we're discussing) Government, on the other hand... "Now what? Nicodemus is dead, are we just going to let Justin boss us around for eternity?"

I also think that some of the rats not liking Thorn Valley's lack of electricity would be a good plot. Some of the rats who used to like the Thorn Valley plan change their minds a month after living such primitive, laborious lives. They rebel, and hence: civil war.

EDIT: That's a lot of posts... Man, I must've missed something. ARE we doing religion and Government? Am I starting to become domineering?

Steven

Since the rats themselves would be stealing ideologies from humans, religion would be a very cool topic to explore.

Of course it would be very hard, but think about how original it would be.

It could easily be the one and the same religion follows government. Your electricity plot is good and should be used, but I don't think it would cause a civil war. I think they would simply leave. They just don't have the means to produce electricity in Thorn Valley. I wouldn't think anyway.

Since the rats themselves would be stealing ideologies from humans, religion would be a very cool topic to explore.

Of course it would be very hard, but think about how original it would be.

After a short round of pacing, and convincing myself about how to go about it, I think that religion can be tied into a Secret of NIMH movie. We could involve The Great Owl and the Stone in it; they're obviously supernatural entities. Perhaps they could have something to do with the Rats' religion. Some of the rats could be Jonathannites like in Timmy to the Rescue.

Also, Timbers, I'm still waiting for your green light on the latest Martin/Breta update.

As for Martin and Breta, I personally like the first option (reserved and introverted) better. That way, the Jonathan problems are more easily put onto their situation. (Why would Martin care about Breta if she was a jerk? Unless the problem was "Tell HER? I'm not going to tell that lilililili a thing about NIMH!") Also, Racso and the Rats of NIMH describes her as being "a lovely young mouse." Perhaps meeting her softened Martin or something. I'd give it the seal of approval, but I'll need Timber's input on it.

Steven

After a short round of pacing, and convincing myself about how to go about it, I think that religion can be tied into a Secret of NIMH movie. We could involve The Great Owl and the Stone in it; they're obviously supernatural entities. Perhaps they could have something to do with the Rats' religion. Some of the rats could be Jonathannites like in Timmy to the Rescue.


Steven

If religion is hard work with, what about moral ethics, Like one should not steal?
In all of Civilization each had set their own standard of moral laws, some will mimic the laws of the commandments some not,

In a new budding Civilization of Rats they must first set laws that keeps a new Civilization from falling a part.

It`s wrong to steal electricity from the farmer.

Some of the rats could be Jonathannites like in Timmy to the Rescue.





Steven

You are taking this seriously, right? If not, I can certainly do a better job at making a stupid story.

As for the Martin and Brenda thing, it's up to you. I mean, what we have there is fine by me.

...But let's be serious about this religion civil war. The stone can be referenced, but I don't want it being part of the story. The war can simply be about whether or not religion can be accepted into the rat's society or not. Since religion is a touchy subject, it would be plausible.

Some of the rats could be Jonathannites like in Timmy to the Rescue.

Steven

You are taking this seriously, right? If not, I can certainly do a better job at making a stupid story.

As for the Martin and Brenda thing, it's up to you. I mean, what we have there is fine by me.

I was half-joking about the Jonathannites. Sorry. :oops:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cY-FhGhzltI/TV6dW5P5YtI/AAAAAAAAAjs/Ea9_Y5Xsesg/s1600/rejected-seal.jpg[" alt=""/img]

Okay then, a shy Breta it is. I'll try my best to write some test dialogue between them to see how it'd work out.

So let me see if I understand correctly. The war is basically about whether or not to accept religion into their society? One side wants to do it, and the other side doesn't. Sounds good to me, I guess.

Steven

Okay......so have you started writing it yet?

Okay......so have you started writing it yet?

Yes, but it's going along pretty slowly. Video editing has gotten in the way. I'm going to continue the writing right away.

Steven

Sample Dialogue between Martin and Breta: (NOTE: This is just an example, and the plot points introduced have no bearing on what the actual plot will be.)

SETUP: Mrs. Brisby is taking the last of the medicine Timothy would need from Mr. Ages' hay bailer to their summer home. Mrs. Brisby encountered Breta first. The two of them were attacked by a snake. Martin attacked the snake for his mother. Jeremy was the one who got rid of the snake. After the danger had been averted, Martin went over to his mom.

"Mom, are you okay?" he asked. Mrs. Brisby nodded.
"Good." Martin then looked at the young mouse next to her, curled into a frightened ball.
"Hey, it's okay," said Martin, coming closer to her. "The snake's gone." She looked up at Martin, and unexpectedly shot up and embraced Martin. To say the least, Martin didn't like this.
"Get off of me!" snapped Martin. She immediately got off of him.
"Sorry," she said apologetically. Martin was surprised at this. He was used to being resisted, but here, she was complying.
"Okay," he said, nonchalant.
"I'm Breta," she said finally.
"Martin," he said, with a hint of petulance. He felt a bit disappointed that she didn't argue with him. Breta looked over to the west, where the sun was starting to set.
"It's getting late," said Breta. "I should be getting home."
"Alright," said Martin. "G'bye." Breta started to leave, but then stopped.
"Martin, is it alright if you walk me home?" asked Breta.
"Nah," said Martin. "I have to go with my mom to…"
"Oh, it's okay," interrupted Mrs. Brisby. "We're almost home anyway. Go ahead, Martin."
"What?" asked Martin.
"I'll be fine," said Mrs. Brisby. "I'm an adult, Breta's not. She would probably need you more than I do." Mrs. Brisby winked at Martin and left. Martin knew what she was trying to do. That meddling matchmaker!
"Mom!" called Martin, a scowl on his face. Martin was about to go after his mother when Breta put her hand on his shoulder. Martin felt a sexual tingle the moment she did that. He turned around to Breta, and saw her green eyes gleam. He was breathless.
"Your mother may be right," said Breta. "I'm not sure I can get back home if it gets too dark. Hawks or owls could attack." Martin felt his pride swelling up. Breta's fears made Martin feel superior; he liked it.
"I'm not afraid of hawks!" said Martin with a smirk. "I'm not afraid of anything!" Breta smiled.
"Will you take me home?" she asked.
"Sure," said Martin.
"Thanks," said Breta. "My home's this way." Breta pointed in the general direction Mrs. Brisby went.
"Hey, my home's that way, too!" smiled Martin. "So I'll be seeing more of you, right?"
"Well…" said Breta. "If it won't cause a problem."
"Of course not," said Martin. "C'mon, let's go." Martin cocked his head in the direction of Breta's home, and the two of them started on their walk.

Please, feel free to make it not suck, or even rewrite it entirely. ;)

Steven

I would need a full chapter/scene in order for me to accurately proofread it.

Okay so I'm not much of a writer, but I think it flows a little better now.


lilililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililili


"Mom, are you okay?" Martin asked.

Mrs. Brisby was visibly shaken by the close encounter with the snake. With a deep breath she nodded her head.

“Yes, I-I’m fine. But what about her?” Mrs. Brisby looked at the young mouse next to her, curled into a frightened ball.

"Hey, it's okay." said Martin, coming closer to her. "The snake's gone now, you’re safe."

She looked up at Martin, tears streaming down her cheeks. Their eyes met and for a moment they looked into each other. Martin felt uneasy yet enthralled. His emotions were very confusing. Unexpectedly, the girl leapt up and embraced Martin.

Now, to the bystander it would appear that Martin didn’t like this, when in fact he was shocked. It made him feel uneasy in his own skin.

"Get off of me!" Martin exclaimed, grabbing her arms from around his neck.

Immediately she stepped back, away from him.

"I’m sorry." She said apologetically.

This surprised Martin. He was used to being resisted, but this girl treated him with authority.

"It’s okay." He said, nonchalantly.

After a moment of awkward silence the girl spoke.

"I'm Breta."

"Martin." He said with a hint of petulance.

Breta looked over to the west, where the sun was starting to set. Mrs. Brisby felt sorry for the young girl. She was trying to get Martins attention, but poor Martin was too inexperienced to realize it.

"It's getting late." Breta said. "I should be getting home."

"Alright." Said Martin. "Goodbye."

Breta slowly started to leave. Mrs. Brisby couldn’t help but be a bit angry with her son’s insensitivity. Breta had literally thrown herself at Martin. She was about to tell Martin to go after her, when.

"Martin, would it be alright if you walk me home?" asked Breta.

"I have to go with my mom to…"

Seeing her opportunity Mrs. Brisby interrupted.

"Oh it's okay Martin. We're almost home anyway. Go ahead.”

"What?" Asked Martin.

"I'll be fine." Said Mrs. Brisby. "Breta probably needs you more than I do."

Mrs. Brisby winked at Martin then left. Martin knew what she was trying to do.

"Mom?" Martin said almost confused.

Breta put her hand on Martin’s shoulder. Martin felt an electrical shock run down his spine the moment she did that. He turned around and was greeted by Breta’s intense green eyes looking up at him. He was breathless.

"Your mother may be right." Said Breta. "I'm not sure I can get back home by myself if it gets too dark. Hawks or owls could attack."

Martin felt his pride swelling up. Breta's fears made Martin feel superior, in control. He liked it.

"I'm not afraid of hawks!" Martin said with a smirk. "I'm not afraid of anything!"

"So, you will take me home?" She asked softly, batting her eyes at Martin.

"Of course." Said Martin.

"Oh thank you, Martin." Breta said.

“So where’s home? Asked Martin.

"This way." Breta pointed in the general direction Mrs. Brisby went.

"Hey, my home's that way, too!" Smiled Martin. "So maybe I'll be seeing more of you, right?"

"Well…" Said Breta. "If it won't cause a problem."

"Not a problem at all, quite the contrary." said Martin. "C'mon, let's go."

Martin cocked his head in the direction of Breta's home, and the two of them started on their walk.

lilililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililili

So yeah, let me know what you think.

Okay so I'm not much of a writer, but I think it flows a little better now.


lilililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililili


"Mom, are you okay?" Martin asked.

Mrs. Brisby was visibly shaken by the close encounter with the snake. With a deep breath she nodded her head.

“Yes, I-I’m fine. But what about her?” Mrs. Brisby looked at the young mouse next to her, curled into a frightened ball.

"Hey, it's okay." said Martin, coming closer to her. "The snake's gone now, you’re safe."

She looked up at Martin, tears streaming down her cheeks. Their eyes met and for a moment they looked into each other. Martin felt uneasy yet enthralled. His emotions were very confusing. Unexpectedly, the girl leapt up and embraced Martin.

Now, to the bystander it would appear that Martin didn’t like this, when in fact he was shocked. It made him feel uneasy in his own skin.

"Get off of me!" Martin exclaimed, grabbing her arms from around his neck.

Immediately she stepped back, away from him.

"I’m sorry." She said apologetically.

This surprised Martin. He was used to being resisted, but this girl treated him with authority.

"It’s okay." He said, nonchalantly.

After a moment of awkward silence the girl spoke.

"I'm Breta."

"Martin." He said with a hint of petulance.

Breta looked over to the west, where the sun was starting to set. Mrs. Brisby felt sorry for the young girl. She was trying to get Martins attention, but poor Martin was too inexperienced to realize it.

"It's getting late." Breta said. "I should be getting home."

"Alright." Said Martin. "Goodbye."

Breta slowly started to leave. Mrs. Brisby couldn’t help but be a bit angry with her son’s insensitivity. Breta had literally thrown herself at Martin. She was about to tell Martin to go after her, when.

"Martin, would it be alright if you walk me home?" asked Breta.

"I have to go with my mom to…"

Seeing her opportunity Mrs. Brisby interrupted.

"Oh it's okay Martin. We're almost home anyway. Go ahead.”

"What?" Asked Martin.

"I'll be fine." Said Mrs. Brisby. "Breta probably needs you more than I do."

Mrs. Brisby winked at Martin then left. Martin knew what she was trying to do.

"Mom?" Martin said almost confused.

Breta put her hand on Martin’s shoulder. Martin felt an electrical shock run down his spine the moment she did that. He turned around and was greeted by Breta’s intense green eyes looking up at him. He was breathless.

"Your mother may be right." Said Breta. "I'm not sure I can get back home by myself if it gets too dark. Hawks or owls could attack."

Martin felt his pride swelling up. Breta's fears made Martin feel superior, in control. He liked it.

"I'm not afraid of hawks!" Martin said with a smirk. "I'm not afraid of anything!"

"So, you will take me home?" She asked softly, batting her eyes at Martin.

"Of course." Said Martin.

"Oh thank you, Martin." Breta said.

“So where’s home? Asked Martin.

"This way." Breta pointed in the general direction Mrs. Brisby went.

"Hey, my home's that way, too!" Smiled Martin. "So maybe I'll be seeing more of you, right?"

"Well…" Said Breta. "If it won't cause a problem."

"Not a problem at all, quite the contrary." said Martin. "C'mon, let's go."

Martin cocked his head in the direction of Breta's home, and the two of them started on their walk.

lilililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililili

So yeah, let me know what you think.

Wow, this is great! From this, I'd say you're at least a better writer than I am.

Anyways, this test dialogue works great! So we have a timid Breta, and we can make it work with Martin. As time goes on for them, their relationship will be more and more intimate. Excellent! This is IN!!!

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So... After all of the hard work we put into this test dialogue, should we put it into the story, as a prologue or something? Or maybe just a one-shot story to go alongside this one.



And I guess, after all of this Martin/Breta stuff, it's about time we got back to the war plot. :oops: The thing is: I have no idea how to write a political debate. Any help is welcome.

Steven

Watch Star Wars Episode 1 in order to get an idea on how to do a political debate. :twisted:

"They are attacking Naboo!"
"Nonsense, there is no proof!"
"Missa Jar-Jar Binks!"

...Alrighty, time to be serious.....Most debates center around what is considered constitutional/what's right for the people. In this case would the benefit of showing themselves to humans be more beneficial or harmful?

Also remember that both sides need a general.....have the anti human side have a Patton like figure and have the pro human side have a Grant type leader.

I'm tired and hungry and sick..otherwise I would gladly be more help.

Watch Star Wars Episode 1 in order to get an idea on how to do a political debate. :twisted:

"They are attacking Naboo!"
"Nonsense, there is no proof!"
"Missa Jar-Jar Binks!"

...Alrighty, time to be serious.....Most debates center around what is considered constitutional/what's right for the people. In this case would the benefit of showing themselves to humans be more beneficial or harmful?

"Chancelor Valorum is a puppet ruler! Vote for me instead!"

All joking aside, that does sound logical. But how does the whole blasted thing even get STARTED? How do they learn about religion? Why is there controversy? Which side will win in the end?

Steven

Oh I forgot we're doing religion lifacepalmli...In that case it would probably center around the idea of religion overpowering government. I'll try and be more helpful tomorrow.

Oh I forgot we're doing religion lifacepalmli...In that case it would probably center around the idea of religion overpowering government. I'll try and be more helpful tomorrow.

That'll work, I won't be on the computer again until tomorrow. ;)

Steven

Religion is a topic that's hard to write about in a NIMH-related context. I just thought it would be cool because it's challenging, but we might want to reconsider.

I've studied religion all my life and I still don't have a good grasp on how to write fiction about it. I don't consider myself a religious person. Id like to think I'm a Buddhist and that all the anger I emote is really just exaggerated for comedy, but that's not entirely true. I'm too thick headed to be fully Buddhist, but I do love the religion.

Gezzus, more useless rambling on about my poor stupid life that no one cares about. Not much else to do on a Sunday night.... :(

Religion is a topic that's hard to write about in a NIMH-related context. I just thought it would be cool because it's challenging, but we might want to reconsider.

I've studied religion all my life and I still don't have a good grasp on how to write fiction about it. I don't consider myself a religious person. Id like to think I'm a Buddhist and that all the anger I emote is really just exaggerated for comedy, but that's not entirely true. I'm too thick headed to be fully Buddhist, but I do love the religion.

Gezzus, more useless rambling on about my poor stupid life that no one cares about. Not much else to do on a Sunday night.... :(

Yeah, I guess. And besides that (I was too timid to bring this up clearly earlier), my intention for this was to be a hypothetical sequel to NIMH that would draw the same audience that saw the first film. This here is a war story. It's a cool idea for a fanfic, but let's also think of ideas that will be similar in tone to the original NIMH. The inclusion of the Great Owl is a good start, where do we go from there?

Well, while we're on the subject of slices of our lives, I'm just an ordinary Christian who's going to play with his little sister this Saturday.

Back to the story, I'm writing a summary of the story I think we have so far:

lilililili

Billy Fitzgibbon runs to his older brother, Paul, who is trying to fix the tractor. Billy tells Paul that he lost his new pet snake, and Paul tells Billy that he'll help him look for it later.

Meanwhile, Martin and Mrs. Brisby are scurrying to their summer home: a log. They were delivering the last of the medicine Timmy would need to be fully cured of pneumonia. Martin, growing impatient, runs ahead of Mrs. Brisby. Mrs. Brisby is subsequently attacked by Billy's snake. Martin hears his mom's cries for help, and rushes to help her. He battles the snake with his recently crafted slingshot, hitting its most sensitive spots (like the eyes) with all the force he could put into it. The battle was pretty even, but Jeremy was the one who got rid of the snake.

Martin goes to his mother and sees that she's okay. Right next to her is a younger girl mouse, curled up in a ball, quaking with fear. Martin tells her that the snake was gone, and she jumps up to embrace him. Shocked, Martin tells her to get off, and, to his surprise, she complies. She introduces herself as Breta, and Martin introduces himself. Martin pretty much just ignored her, and Mrs. Brisby, feeling sorry for Breta, didn't like her son's insensitivity towards her. Right before Breta leaves, she asks Martin to accompany her. Mrs. Brisby tells Martin that she'll go ahead home and give Timmy his medicine, and that he can go ahead and take Breta home. Martin was a little off-put by this, but with a touch from Breta, he fell in love, and he agreed to walk her home.

Martin and Breta are talking to each other on their walk. They enjoyed their conversation, and Martin began to like her more and more with each thing she said. But one thing that was brought up by Breta (Perhaps a morbid fear of death) got Martin thinking: dad couldn't tell mom about NIMH and the Rats and his extended lifespan because he was afraid of scaring her; Martin had to tell Breta at some point about who he was. Later, he thought. He had to wait until they were friends for long enough to break the news to her, but the fact that his dad died before he had a chance to tell his family about the rats haunted Martin.

lilililili

It's not finished yet, and I haven't gotten to the part where the war plot is introduced, but there you go. :)

Steven

Sounds like you have a good start. I like how you gave Martin a slingshot, kinda like the film sequel but cooler.

Sounds like you have a good start. I like how you gave Martin a slingshot, kinda like the film sequel but cooler.

That was actually one of my favorite parts about that movie. The idea of Martin with a slingshot is pretty cool. I was also thinking about him having a small rip in his shirt near the hip that he uses to holster his slingshot or his stick.

Steven

Here's some more:

lilililili

Later, at the meadow, with the sun only a little bit lower in the sky, a hawk suddenly and unexpectedly attacked Martin and Breta. The only shelter they could find was the rotted stump of a sycamore tree, so they duck inside it. Surprisingly, the stump is sturdy enough to hold together even when the giant bird was fighting to get the mice inside. The hawk gives up after a quarter minute of trying to eat the mice, and leaves to look for something else to eat. Breta is relieved. Martin says the place must've been someone's home that had been abandoned for awhile. It looked lived-in, but there were webs everywhere. Besides that, it was a nice place. There was a bedroom on one side, and a storage room on the other. What excited Martin was that the storage room was filled with nothing but corn. It was pretty dried-out corn, but corn nonetheless. It turns out Breta likes corn, too. She thinks it'd be okay to stay there at least for one night. After that little snack, she and Martin go to sleep in the bedroom.

The next morning, at the Brisby log, Mrs. Brisby was worried sick about Martin. After a whole night, he still hadn't come back. She blamed herself for this; she was the one who told Martin to take Breta home. Now, she dreaded to think about what happened to them. She put Teresa in charge of the house and then left to go look for Martin, hoping beyond hope that he was alright.

Meanwhile, at the stump, Breta woke up suddenly when a spear gently prod her back. Holding the spear was a rat. The rat was so big and intimidating that Breta was afraid of him. The rat looked over Martin, who was still sleeping. After several failed attempts to wake him up by prodding him, the rat stabbed and twisted his spear at the corner of his ear, tearing it a little. (Imagine Evil Martin's ear in TttR) Not surprisingly, this woke Martin, and he was not in a good mood. Clutching his bleeding ear, he asks what the big idea was. Upon the sight of the rat, he froze. It couldn't be one of the Rats of NIMH, could it? It turned out the rat wasn't alone. A small group of rats had just found the stump that morning. It was a sturdy shelter, it had a good supply of food, and it was relatively hidden; perfect for a headquarters. The rats kicked Martin and Breta out, and then Martin tells Breta that he would continue to walk her home. So they went on their way.

While Mrs. Brisby was looking for Martin, she comes across a rat. The rat was one from the stump, and he recognizes who she was, and realizes his group could use her to their advantage. So they take her hostage, planning to threaten to kill her unless the Rats in Thorn Valley surrender. There would be no way Justin would refuse to surrender.

Martin finally gets Breta home to her worried parents. Breta's parents thank Martin for helping their daughter get home. The two lovers set up a date for tomorrow, by the brook. Martin shares with Breta their first kiss, and then he says goodbye and leaves for his own home.

lilililili

Steven

That's actually really good. Please continue.

That's actually really good. Please continue.

Thanks for the compliment, but I think I'm just stuck at this point. I could see vividly everything I typed up, but I can't seem to get past that. We can't continue unless we have a topic for the war. Wanna go back to the "Should We Reveal Ourselves To The Humans?" plot?

Steven

Sounds fine by me that issue would more than likely cause a civil war.

Here's the next part.

lilililili

Once Martin gets home, Teresa tells him that mom went out to look for him. Martin, in a fit of frustration, tells Teresa to holler if mom came back, for he was planning to go after her himself. Teresa is against this, but Martin was already determined to look for his mother, and he left.

The rats in the sycamore stump didn't treat Mrs. Brisby well. A giant of a rat held Mrs. Brisby by the arm in one of his huge, muscular hands, and in the other, he held a dagger up to her throat. Mrs. Brisby was afraid for her life, and for the welfare of her children as well. Suddenly, Martin came inside the stump, to be surprised by the rats' turning their weapons on him. The rats recognize Martin, and were disappointed, since they were expecting someone else. Martin noticed his mom being held hostage, and threatens the rats with his slingshot. The rats laugh at the little boy's feeble attempt to threaten them, when, all of the sudden, from the shadows, come: Justin, Brutus, and the rest of the team. The Rats of the Stump were surprised by the sudden attack from the Rats of Thorn Valley. Brutus made sure that Mrs. Brisby was freed, while Justin went after the leader of the Rogue Rats. They were overwhelmed by Justin's surprise attack, and they evacuated as many as they could. The rest of them lay dead inside the tree stump. Justin's team got to work removing the bodies, while Justin himself checked to see if Mrs. Brisby was okay. She was fine, though stunned from the fighting. At Mrs. Brisby's inquiry, Justin explained that they were the Rogue Rats; they were detractors from the Rats of NIMH.

The war started with a debate in Thorn Valley's senate. The leader of the rogues, Zachary, suggested that the Rats couldn't survive without technology. He didn't agree with Jenner's point of view on stealing; instead, his plan was that they reveal themselves to the humans and make an agreement with them about sharing technology. Justin told Zachary that his idea was crazy; what would the rats have to offer the humans? What would stop the humans from taking advantage of them? Zachary never swayed from his position; he thought his way was the best way, and he'd do anything to make it come to pass. He and some like-minded rats declared war on the Rats of Thorn Valley, and called themselves the Rogue Rats. They left Thorn Valley, and since then, gave the Rats of Thorn Valley a few surprise attacks. It wasn't long before Justin started trying to track them down. His first guess turned out to be right: the Rogues would try to go back to the Fitzgibbons' farm to try to reveal himself to the humans who worked there. On the way there, Justin's team ran into Martin, who was looking for his mother. From the description given to him, Martin knew where the Rogues were, and led them to the sycamore stump.

Justin also explained that it wasn't safe for Mrs. Brisby or her family to be caught in the middle of the war like this. He said that Thorn Valley was planning an evacuation, and that it would be safer for them to go with them to the temporary settlement until either the Rats of Thorn Valley had won the war or the Rogues found the hidden settlement and struck. He told the Brisbys that they would have a day to pack and would leave tomorrow. At that, Martin left for Breta's house (though not without informing the others), while Mrs. Brisby went home to pack.

Martin came to Breta's home, and she answered it. She wondered why Martin was back so soon, when their date was tomorrow. Martin explained that he had somewhere very important to go with his family tomorrow, and that he'd be gone for some time. If they had any hope for a date, they had to do it NOW. Breta wasn't busy, so she agreed, told her parents, and left with Martin for the brook.

Martin and Breta had a wonderful time on their date at the brook. Breta asked Martin what his father was like. Martin said that he was a great mouse. When he was around, he was very nice, except for the times where he was angry, or upset, or trying to teach Martin how to read. Breta was surprised that Mr. Brisby knew how to read. Martin, avoiding the confrontation about telling her about his family secret too soon, simply said "Yeah," and asked Breta if she wanted him to teach her a little bit of reading. Breta said it would be fine, and Martin said that he'd start with her name, like how his dad started with Martin's name. Martin started drawing the letters in the dirt. He had to guess how to spell Breta's name, and erased the extra H at the end on account of it looking weird. He named each letter, B, R, E, T, and A, and sounded them out together. Breta then asked Martin to write his own name an inch below it. Martin did that, and Breta added something she saw back when her family lived in the park: a plus sign between the two names, and a heart shape around the whole thing. Martin smiled at it, and the two embraced each other and shared a romantic kiss.

lilililili

Is it good?

Steven

Is this the storyboard or the actual fanfiction? If it's the latter, you need dialogue, if it's the former, Id say it's good enough.

Is this the storyboard or the actual fanfiction? If it's the latter, you need dialogue, if it's the former, Id say it's good enough.

I'm doing the whole storyboard first; we'll work on dialogue after that. The purpose here is to get a good idea of the kind of story we're doing. That way, we agree on a structure for the story, so that we know what we're doing, and then get to work on the actual fanfiction with dialogue and everything.

With that in mind, is there anything in the storyboard that could be better?

Steven

I liked that you did an evacuation sequence. As for anything that needs changing....Everything seems fine by me.

Okay, I've got an idea for after the Brisbys have been in the Rats' temporary settlement.

The idea is that the Rogue Rats capture Breta, and threaten to kill her unless Martin sided with the Rogues and obeyed whatever Zachary told him to do. It'd be a great emotional struggle for Martin; He just had to do what his father failed to do and tell Breta about the secret of NIMH, he couldn't let her die before he told her anything. He ends up siding with the Rogues, but he didn't like it. At the end of the story, he redeems himself, he kills Zachary, and tells Breta the truth about the rats. He frees her from the Rogues, the Rats of Thorn Valley gain the upper-hand from the loss of Zachary, and they finally win the battle.

So... Good? Bad? Also, Martin's just a B-Plot, so we'll need to figure out a good A-Plot as well. I think it'd be cool to have Mrs. Brisby and Timothy co-star in the A-Plot, that way, Timmy gets into the action, but it's not just about Timmy.

Steven

Alright, here's a shorter version of my summary, with a few things changed, partly to make more sense, partly to introduce a better narrative.

lilililili

Mrs. Brisby and Martin rush home with Timmy's Medicine. Martin meets Breta, and they fall in love. He takes her halfway home, but duck into an abandoned rotting sycamore tree stump in the meadow when they were attacked by a hawk. The two stay in the stump for the night.

The next morning, a worried Mrs. Brisby went out to look for Martin. Meanwhile, in the stump, Martin and Breta are visited by a group of armed rats. Scouts, apparently. The rats kick them out of the stump, and the two continue to Breta's home.

Martin finally succeeds in bringing Breta home to her parents, and he sets up a date for tomorrow. He left, and after he came back to his own home, he finds out Mrs. Brisby's gone, and he impulsively leaves to look for her.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Brisby was captured by the rat scouts in the tree stump. Martin eventually comes in, along with Justin and a team of Rats from Thorn Valley, to defeat the rat scouts, just before they escaped. Justin explains the armed rats backstory:

The war started with a debate in Thorn Valley. A rat named Zachary caused all of this trouble. He thought the Valley needed electricity again, but he didn't agree with Jenner's plan to steal the goods; instead, he thought that they should reveal themselves to the humans and offer an exchange of technology. After the idea was rejected time and again, Zachary finally left Thorn Valley, along with many other rats, eventually forming an army called the Rogue Rats. They laid siege on the Rats' Village many times. Their numbers increased even more when they started drafting normal rats into their army. The Rats of Thorn Valley were now in the middle of a war.

Justin also explained that it wasn't safe for the Brisbys to be in the middle of a war like this. He said that the Rats of Thorn Valley had moved to a temporary settlement far away from Thorn Valley. The Brisbys would be safer there; they would leave tomorrow and stay until the war was over. At that, Martin left for Breta's house while Mrs. Brisby returned home to inform the other children.

Martin comes to Breta's house, only to find her doing chores with Auntie Shrew. Martin informs Breta that he and his family are leaving somewhere, and that if he came back, it would be a long time from now. Their date would have to be now or never. The Shrew didn't know exactly what was going on, but she could tell that Martin and Breta were in love. To say the least, she did not approve and they did not have their date.

The next morning, after a romantic goodbye between Martin and Breta, Justin's team and the Brisbys rode on crowback to the Rats' temporary settlement. (You see, shortly after the Rogue Rats left Thorn Valley, the rats of Thorn Valley gained a flock of crows as allies. The leader was called Gilbert, and he was a good friend of Justin's.) When they were almost there, in the midst of the night, a hawk attacked and knocked Mrs. Brisby and Timothy off of the crow they were riding on. They landed in the woods where it was too dark to look for them at the moment.

While Mrs. Brisby and Timothy were lost, they find out something very important: the place the Rats chose for their temporary settlement was too close to the Rogue's base.

Mrs. Brisby and Timothy are found after three days by a search party from the Rats of Thorn Valley. Mrs. Brisby and Timothy inform the rats of the problem with their settlement. Meanwhile, Martin trains to be an auxiliary soldier for the Rats of Thorn Valley. He's picked everything up quickly, and was enthralled by the weaponry the Rats created when he first saw the arsenal.

The Rats escape from their current establishment, and they head further on away from Thorn Valley. The Rogues find the Rats' previous settlement deserted, and then start trying to track them down.

lilililili

I'm stuck at this point. Anyone else want to take over from here?

Steven

Wow, I don't think you need any help. It's starting to sound good.

Of course I haven't seen the dialogue yet, but it could use some comic relief.

Of course I haven't seen the dialogue yet, but it could use some comic relief.

Jeremy said:

http://www.thornvalley.com/gallery/fan/d/39612-2/298howboutme.jpg[" alt=""/img]

Comic... uh... Hey! How about me?[/quote]

[quote][b]Darth Vader[/b] said:

[img="]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/7/76/Darth_Vader.jpg/220px-Darth_Vader.jpg[" alt=""/img]

No... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!![/quote]

[quote][b]Jeremy[/b] said:

[img="]http://www.thornvalley.com/gallery/fan/d/38743-2/114polishstyle.jpg[" alt=""/img]

Well, I'm not THAT bad. I just need a few pointers, to polish my style.[/quote]

[quote][b]Darth Vader[/b] said behind Jeremy's back:

[img="]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/7/76/Darth_Vader.jpg/220px-Darth_Vader.jpg[" alt=""/img]

He is as clumsy as he is stupid.[/quote]

In all seriousness, did you have anything in mind for comic relief? Jeremy, or maybe even a new character?

Steven

Okay, here's another idea. The reason I was stuck the last time was because my head was spinning with ideas for Martin and Breta, but there was an appalling lack of ideas for the war plot. Well, I think that's because I don't have many good ideas for wartime situations. But last night, I think I came up with one. How about Capture The Flag? The flag being the Stone. Zachary's idea for trading technology with the humans is to trade the almighty Stone for electrical supplies. In the style of an Indiana Jones movie, the Stone could go back and forth between the good guys and the bad guys, ending up in the bad guys hands as they're ready to use it, and it ultimately kills the bad guys. Mrs. Brisby's role in this could be that she volunteers to be a spy to try to get it back from the Rogues. Is this a good idea?

Steven

Okay, here's another idea. The reason I was stuck the last time was because my head was spinning with ideas for Martin and Breta, but there was an appalling lack of ideas for the war plot. Well, I think that's because I don't have many good ideas for wartime situations. But last night, I think I came up with one. How about Capture The Flag? The flag being the Stone. Zachary's idea for trading technology with the humans is to trade the almighty Stone for electrical supplies. In the style of an Indiana Jones movie, the Stone could go back and forth between the good guys and the bad guys, ending up in the bad guys hands as they're ready to use it, and it ultimately kills the bad guys. Mrs. Brisby's role in this could be that she volunteers to be a spy to try to get it back from the Rogues. Is this a good idea?

Steven

Bump.

Steven

I think you could be on to something. But I'm not sure about trading the stone for something that trivial.

I think you could be on to something. But I'm not sure about trading the stone for something that trivial.

Neither was Justin. ;)

Okay, seriously, how about a trade for something more important in addition? Acceptance into human society? Medicine? Technology? Predator Reduction? All of the above? Or something greater? Hmm... Let's think about it.

Steven

Okay, here's another idea. The reason I was stuck the last time was because my head was spinning with ideas for Martin and Breta, but there was an appalling lack of ideas for the war plot. Well, I think that's because I don't have many good ideas for wartime situations. But last night, I think I came up with one. How about Capture The Flag? The flag being the Stone. Zachary's idea for trading technology with the humans is to trade the almighty Stone for electrical supplies. In the style of an Indiana Jones movie, the Stone could go back and forth between the good guys and the bad guys, ending up in the bad guys hands as they're ready to use it, and it ultimately kills the bad guys. Mrs. Brisby's role in this could be that she volunteers to be a spy to try to get it back from the Rogues. Is this a good idea?

Steven

That should be interesting:

"Hey here's our Barbie doll deus ex machina plot device alumet! All we want in return is some of your technology and supplies!" Good trade, yes?"

...So in short I think it's a bad idea. Best to leave the stone out of your story, afterall it was just a plot device in the first film. This isn't as hard as you make it out to be. Wars break out because one side becomes too hostile and decides to strike. In this case this would probably be those who want to show themselves to humans because they are the ones who actually have to fight for something.

Also you shouldn't paint the sides as good or bad, both have legitimate points to them.

What you should do is split the community up into two sides, both refusing to interact with the other, eventually tension runs high and resources become limited, so one side attacks the other and then battles start brewing up and resources and prisoners are being taken in.

That's how you should write a war story.

I'm stuck at this point. Anyone else want to take over from here?

Bump Bump Bump Bump.

I may not have made it too clear at the beginning of this thread, but whatever I write, I usually never have an ending for it. In this case, I don't think I even made it past the first act.

We have the beginning for the war already, and it was basically what Timbers suggested: The Rogues become too hostile. We can make it so that their attacks on Thorn Valley are raids for food and other supplies.

So yes, we already have the beginning for the war. What we don't have is the ACTUAL WAR. THAT'S what I was trying to come up with when I suggested "Capture the Stone": I could see the Rats fighting for the Stone, and I was willing to slightly alter the beginning to fit it. I know battles should start brewing up, but how do I know I'll come up with an idea for the battles that's actually any good?

Please, don't let me spin webs of bad ideas, just take the reins and finish the summary where I left off!

Steven

The war is about whether or not the rats should reveal themselves to humans for their own benefit. One of the rogues starts a rally to attack the other side, they attack the food storage, which causes one battle. This leaves the other side to come up with the idea to kidnap key political figures, which causes the rogues to have a surprise attack. Soon barricades are put up and troops are sent out to attack key supply posts.

My job is to steer you in the right direction. Hopefully this helped somewhat. I don't want to completely take over for you because you're very creative. You can use the stone idea if you want, if you get that to work, it would be interesting.

You've inspired me! I've got a new idea now. You'll see it when I'm done with the next chunk of the summary.

Steven

You've inspired me! I've got a new idea now. You'll see it when I'm done with the next chunk of the summary.

Steven

Good! See, you don't need someone to take over for you.

Hmm... I thought I could get farther than this, but I don't think I can without further input. Oh, well.

lilililili

It has been months for the Thorn Valley Rats since the last raid on their territory. Nearly a month since the Brisbys left the Fitzgibbons farm. Martin, though he enjoyed the military training, missed Breta terribly. By that point, he had developed enough skill to be a good soldier. One night, he noticed that the food supply was being stolen by Rogues. Before he could sound the alarm, he was fired upon by the perpetrators with a flash from a small, yet loud weapon. The raiders escaped with as much of the food supply as they could carry.

Martin ended up in the Medical Tent under care of Elvira, Thorn Valley's Head Doctor. His wound wasn't fatal, it should take a few weeks to heal. From Martin's explanation of what happened, Justin came to the chilling realization that the Rogues learned how to make and use gunpowder. Thorn Valley's side only had swords and crossbows, with flaming arrows at best. The Rogues now had the upper hand. If the Thorn Valley Rats were to win the war, they would need to step up their game. They had to create protection from the guns, create new strategies… something to fight back at the Rogues.


lilililili

"Need input, Stephanie! Input! More input!"

Steven

The problem with adding guns to your story is that you have to figure out some contrived reason for their existence, which I assume is why you're stuck. Best to leave the weaponry to swords and bows and arrows.

The problem with adding guns to your story is that you have to figure out some contrived reason for their existence, which I assume is why you're stuck. Best to leave the weaponry to swords and bows and arrows.

Alright. Guns are OUT!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cY-FhGhzltI/TV6dW5P5YtI/AAAAAAAAAjs/Ea9_Y5Xsesg/s1600/rejected-seal.jpg[" alt=""/img]

The problem wasn't that I needed an explanation for their existence, though.

Anyway, how about this? The raiders poison Martin instead of shoot him, and the antidote is unavailable to the Thorn Valley Rats. (Them being outside of Thorn Valley and with limited resources now) They figure the Rogues would have the antidote, in the case of accidents. Mrs. Brisby volunteers to get the antidote from the Rogues. Is this another bad idea?

Steven

The problem with adding guns to your story is that you have to figure out some contrived reason for their existence, which I assume is why you're stuck. Best to leave the weaponry to swords and bows and arrows.

Alright. Guns are OUT!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cY-FhGhzltI/TV6dW5P5YtI/AAAAAAAAAjs/Ea9_Y5Xsesg/s1600/rejected-seal.jpg[" alt=""/img]

The problem wasn't that I needed an explanation for their existence, though.

Anyway, how about this? The raiders poison Martin instead of shoot him, and the antidote is unavailable to the Thorn Valley Rats. (Them being outside of Thorn Valley and with limited resources now) They figure the Rogues would have the antidote, in the case of accidents. Mrs. Brisby volunteers to get the antidote from the Rogues. Is this another bad idea?

Steven[/quote]

That's better.....now keep going.

That's better.....now keep going.

YES!!! lifistpumpli

lilililili

It has been months for the Thorn Valley Rats since the last raid on their territory. Nearly a month since the Brisbys left the Fitzgibbons. Martin, though he enjoyed the military training, missed Breta terribly. By that point, he had developed enough skill to be a good warrior.

One night, he noticed that the food supply was being stolen by a Rogue hit-and-run team. Before he could sound the alarm, one of the perpetrators shot a poison dart into his shoulder. The raiders left with as much of the food as they could carry.

Martin ended up in the Medical Tent later on. According to the doctor, Elvira, the poison would kill him in a week. They couldn't figure out an antidote that could be made with the extremely limited resources they had with them.

Mrs. Brisby feared for Martin's life. So much, in fact, that she was the one who made up the plan to save him. They would probably have the antidote at the Rogue's base, which she already knew the location of. She volunteered to go to the Rogues to retrieve the antidote for Martin. Justin was against this at first, but Mrs. Brisby convinced him that it was worth the risk. He would accompany her on the mission.

lilililili

Now, let's pretend that Murphey's Law kicks in once they go on the mission. How many bad things can you imagine happening to them? (Besides killing off Mrs. Brisby and/or Justin)

Steven

I've stayed out of this one, mostly because I've been concentrating on my own storyline, but it's been fun watching you guys hash out ideas and develop your plot. Best of luck with the War. )

I've stayed out of this one, mostly because I've been concentrating on my own storyline, but it's been fun watching you guys hash out ideas and develop your plot. Best of luck with the War. :)

Thank you! And I'll get to the Redwall crossover with you when we're both done. ;)

lilililili

Mrs. Brisby, Justin, and Gilbert the Crow embarked on their new mission. According to Mrs. Brisby's directions, Gilbert found the Rogues' base and dropped off Justin and Mrs. Brisby there. Justin and Mrs. Brisby get the antidote, but only come back out to find Gilbert's dead carcass and a score of Rogues. Justin and Mrs. Brisby were prisoners of war, and the antidote fell back into the Rogues' hands.

While they were captured, they overheard the Rogues' plan to blow up the Thorn Valley Rats' base using Sulfur from a mine that they recently discovered. Now, Justin and Mrs. Brisby have to escape ASAP and not only recapture the antidote, but also bring back the information.

lilililili

So, how do we get them out?

Steven

FINISHED!!!!!! I've finally finished the outline. I'm sorry it took so long. :oops: I made a few changes to it, so I'll just post the entire thing here.

lilililili

Mrs. Brisby and Martin rush home with the last of Timmy's Medicine. Martin meets Breta, and they fall in love. He takes her halfway home, but duck into an abandoned rotting sycamore tree stump in the meadow when they were attacked by a hawk. The two stay in the stump for the night.

The next morning, a worried Mrs. Brisby went out to look for Martin. Meanwhile, in the stump, Martin and Breta are visited by a group of armed rats. Scouts, apparently. The rats kick them out of the stump, and the two continue to Breta's home.

Martin finally succeeds in bringing Breta home to her parents, and he sets up a date for tomorrow. He left, and after he came back to his own home, he finds out Mrs. Brisby's gone, and he impulsively leaves to look for her.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Brisby was captured by the armed rats in the tree stump. Martin eventually comes in, along with Justin and a team of Rats from Thorn Valley, to defeat the armed rats, just before they escaped. Justin explains the armed rats backstory:

The war started with a debate in Thorn Valley. A rat named Zachary caused all of this trouble. He thought the Rats needed electricity again, but he didn't agree with Jenner's plan to steal the goods; instead, he thought that they should reveal themselves to the humans. After the idea was rejected time and again, Zachary finally left Thorn Valley, along with many other rats, eventually forming an army called the Rogue Rats. They raided the Rats' Village many times as their supplies began to grow limited. Their numbers increased even more when they started gathering normal rats to help them. The Rats of Thorn Valley were now in the middle of a war.

Justin also explained that it wasn't safe for the Brisbys to be in the middle of a war like this. He said that the Rats of Thorn Valley had moved to a temporary settlement far away from Thorn Valley. The Brisbys would be safer there; they would leave tomorrow and stay until the war was over. At that, Martin left for Breta's house while Mrs. Brisby returned home to inform the other children.

Martin comes to Breta's house, only to find her doing chores. Martin informs Breta that he and his family are leaving somewhere, and that if he came back, it would be a long time from now. Their date would have to be now or never. So they had their date that afternoon, and their love for and knowledge about each other became even greater.

The next morning, after a romantic goodbye between Martin and Breta, Justin's team and the Brisbys rode on crowback to the Rats' temporary settlement. (You see, shortly after the Rogue Rats left Thorn Valley, the rats of Thorn Valley gained a flock of crows as allies. The leader was called Gilbert, and he was a good friend of Justin's.) When they were almost there, in the midst of the night, a hawk attacked and knocked Mrs. Brisby and Timothy off of the crow they were riding on. They landed in the woods where it was too dark to look for them at the moment.

While Mrs. Brisby and Timothy were lost, they find out something very important: the place the Rats chose for their temporary settlement was too close to the Rogue's base.

Mrs. Brisby and Timothy are found after three days by a search party from the Rats of Thorn Valley. Mrs. Brisby and Timothy inform the rats of the problem with their settlement. Meanwhile, Martin trains to be an auxiliary soldier for the Rats of Thorn Valley. He's picked everything up quickly, and was enthralled by the weaponry the Rats created when he first saw the arsenal.

The Rats escape from their current establishment, and they head further on away from Thorn Valley. The Rogues find the Rats' previous settlement deserted, and then start trying to track them down.

It has been nearly a month since the Brisbys left the Fitzgibbons. Martin, though he enjoyed the military training, missed Breta terribly. One night, he noticed that the food supply was being stolen by a Rogue hit-and-run team. Before he could sound the alarm, one of the perpetrators shot a poison dart into his shoulder. The raiders left with as much of the food as they could carry.

Martin ended up in the Medical Tent later on. According to the doctor, Elvira, the poison would kill him in a week. They couldn't figure out an antidote that could be made with the extremely limited resources they had with them.

Mrs. Brisby feared for Martin's life. So much, in fact, that she was the one who made up the plan to save him. They would probably have the antidote at the Rogue's base, which she already knew the location of. She volunteered to go to the Rogues to retrieve the antidote for Martin. Justin was against this at first, but Mrs. Brisby convinced him that it was worth the risk. He would accompany her on the mission.

Meanwhile, at the Fitzgibbons' farm, Auntie Shrew was with Breta doing chores. Breta told the Shrew that she had recently been having nightmares about Martin dying. The Shrew showed her obvious prejudice against Martin, and basically told her that it wasn't meant to be.

Mrs. Brisby, Justin, and Gilbert the Crow embarked on their new mission. According to Mrs. Brisby's directions, Gilbert found the Rogues' base and dropped off Justin and Mrs. Brisby there. Justin and Mrs. Brisby get the antidote, but only come back out to find Gilbert's dead carcass and a score of Rogues. Justin and Mrs. Brisby were prisoners of war, and the antidote fell back into the Rogues' hands.

Justin and Mrs. Brisby were able to escape by themselves. They got the antidote, but were caught again by Zachary. Justin stayed behind to battle him, while Mrs. Brisby escaped with the antidote. It was difficult for Mrs. Brisby to escape, due to the Rogue guards, but Jeremy came to her rescue. He flew away with Mrs. Brisby on his back, unfortunately having to leave Justin behind.

Mrs. Brisby returned to the Thorn Valley Rats' hidden base with the antidote in hand. With it, they were able to cure Martin from the poison. Justin returned shortly after, with news for the Rats of Thorn Valley. The Rogues planned to keep the Thorn Valley Rats occupied while the Fitzgibbons' would return from the state fair to their farm. They were going to reveal themselves to the humans whether the Thorn Valley Rats wanted them to or not.

The Thorn Valley Rats' army then started towards the Fitzgibbons' farm by way of crows. Once the Rogues were spotted, all hell broke loose. War raged all around, culminating to a great duel between Justin and Zachary. Justin won the duel, and killed Zachary before the Fitzgibbons even got back. The Rogues' army had no leader, and the Thorn Valley Rats were able to either plow down or capture the rest. The Rats of Thorn Valley had won the War.

After the fighting, Martin left the others to find Breta. He found her wounded next to a tree. Auntie Shrew was with her. Despite the Shrew's insistence to the contrary, Martin takes his dying girlfriend to the Rats for medical treatment. As she healed, Martin told her everything: about NIMH, his father, the Rats, and, of course, the whole pneumonia fiasco. She took it very well.

After all of the war dust settled, Martin and Breta were married. They and the rest of the Brisbys moved to Thorn Valley, where they lived happily ever after.

lilililili

Now, feel free to suggest any further changes you feel need to happen. Yeah, anywhere in the outline. I'm all ears.

Steven

Sulfer is not explosive, it's flammable. They might as well use torches, and burn it to the ground. Just thought I'd let you know.

Sulfer is not explosive, it's flammable. They might as well use torches, and burn it to the ground. Just thought I'd let you know.

I removed the whole paragraph, but not just because of this little fact. It's totally irrelevant to the plot I ended up with.

Steven

Looks good! Though I would question why Martin and Breta would want to stay in the old stump instead of the relative security of Thorn Valley, especially since the rest of his family is presumably staying there. It would get pretty lonely there, I would think, for him especially.

Looks good! Though I would question why Martin and Breta would want to stay in the old stump instead of the relative security of Thorn Valley, especially since the rest of his family is presumably staying there. It would get pretty lonely there, I would think, for him especially.

Because the book says so:

Over the summer Martin, her elder son, had found a mate, a lovely young mouse named Breta. They had moved to a small nest under a rotted sycamore stump in the meadow.

I'll remove the offer to bring them to Thorn Valley. Sorry, but this has to be by the book. :roll:

Besides, I didn't plan for the rest of the Brisbys to move to Thorn Valley, either.

Steven

Because the book says so:

You don't always have to do what the book says. I think leaving them in Thorn Valley opens up more opportunities for them if you wished to write a sequel. That's just me, though. Do whatever you want.

Because the book says so:

You don't always have to do what the book says. I think leaving them in Thorn Valley opens up more opportunities for them if you wished to write a sequel. That's just me, though. Do whatever you want.

A SEQUEL?!?!?! http://www.kennydrew.com/indy/images/13%5B1%5D.gif[" alt=""/img] THE CONTRACT NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A SEQUEL!!!

Heh, just kidding. It's fun to make ties to the book, which is why I put the rotting sycamore stump in there in the first place. I can think of one or two excuses for them not moving to Thorn Valley right away: maybe Breta wasn't ready for it, or she didn't want to go that far from her family that soon. Or maybe, just maybe... The subject just never came up, as it [i]should've[/i] been. (And it's my fault for bringing it up in the first place. [img="]http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/duh.gif[" alt=""/img])

Steven

Okay, so Martin and Breta, along with the rest of the Brisbys, move to Thorn Valley. That's settled.

So, are we all okay with this plotline? Is there anything else that could be better before I start writing Chapter 1?

Steven

Okay, so Martin and Breta, along with the rest of the Brisbys, move to Thorn Valley. That's settled.

So, are we all okay with this plotline? Is there anything else that could be better before I start writing Chapter 1?

Steven

Nope....have you started writing yet?

have you started writing yet?

I've had a terrible case of writer's block. I wanted to try to change the opening to show the visit to Mr. Ages, but I couldn't find a good way to write it, so I scrapped it. Plus I've been working on uploading media projects to Youtube. But, just to prove I've been working on this story a little, here's what I've finished so far:

lilililili

Chapter 1: The Snake At Dusk


"Paul!" shouted Billy Fitzgibbon, running out to the garden in the summer after the harvest. "Paul!"

"What?" snapped Paul, who was busy pulling weeds from the garden.

"I can't find my pet snake," whined Billy.

"You lost it?" gasped Paul. "You were begging mom for it! She's gonna be really mad when she finds out you've lost another pet! Remember what happened to that field mouse you caught?"

"It wasn't my fault I lost the mouse, she escaped!"

"Yeah, and I'll bet it wasn't your fault that this snake escaped, either. Can you leave me alone now? If I don't get rid of these weeds by sundown Pa's gonna kill me."

"Please help me look for it?" begged Billy.

"Not yet!" said Paul. "I'll help you after I get these weeds pulled. Okay?"

"Okay," said Billy.

lilililili

Yes, I haven't been working very hard on the story. http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/duh.gif[" alt=""/img] But your post is helping me along a bit. I'll try to put more focus on this story.

Steven

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

'til you get enough!

I may just scrap the underdeveloped opening with Paul and Billy and just start out with this, excluding the "Meanwhile."

lilililili

Meanwhile, Mrs. Jonathan Brisby and her oldest son, Martin, were running home with Timothy's medicine in hand. Mrs. Brisby had heard about the runaway snake from Auntie Shrew, so for this errand she had asked Martin to come with her. He agreed to go with her, but only because she asked him to bring his newly crafted slingshot along in case the snake showed up.

Even so, all Martin did was toy with it during the trip there. His mother only wanted him to use it when the snake showed up, so he had nothing to do for the majority of the time. The happiest he had been on the trip so far was when he heard from Mr. Ages that Timmy wouldn't need any more medicine after this packet, and even then, he wasn't exactly bursting with joy.

They were about halfway home, in the tall grass of the garden, when Martin finally lost all patience. Mrs. Brisby was going as fast as she could, but that wasn't nearly as fast as Martin could go, and he was itching to get this over with. So, without a word, he dashed forward at full speed further into the thicket. Mrs. Brisby was caught by surprise.

"Martin!" called Mrs. Brisby. "Wait!" No reply came from Martin ahead. Mrs. Brisby was angry with, but not at all surprised by, Martin's behavior. She continued after him, when she suddenly bumped into another speeding mouse.

"OOF!!!" they both went, falling to the ground ungracefully. After Mrs. Brisby collected the packet and her bearings, she saw who she ran into. It was a young female mouse, with blonde fur and green eyes. She seemed to be in a panic, taking fearful glances behind her, as if something was chasing her. She didn't even seem to notice Mrs. Brisby. Making no noise other than frightened gasps, the young mouse swiftly sprinted away. Mrs. Brisby turned around to see what she was running from, and immediately started to panic herself. For in front of her was the rumored snake, hissing hungrily and eyeing Mrs. Brisby.

"M-M-Martin!!!" cried Mrs. Brisby. "MARTIN!!!" She scurried down the path the young mouse had taken, hoping that Martin had heard her call. The snake pursued at a steady pace, getting closer every second. Mrs. Brisby was leading the snake aimlessly through the thick foliage across the garden, when she bumped into the same girl mouse again. This time, she had stopped. And she stopped because there was nowhere to go. There were two gigantic gravestones side-by-side. One was set in memory of Mr. Fitzgibbon's deceased grandfather, and the other one was perpendicular to it and set in memory of his uncle. The very first thing Mrs. Brisby thought of -and the girl probably thought of this, too- was to go around them, but by the time they thought of it, the snake had already blocked the way. The mice were cornered. Mrs. Brisby covered her face in a panic.

lilililili

Steven

So....I tell you not to stop, and then you stop. :(

So....I tell you not to stop, and then you stop. :(

Why don't you write your own fanfiction? Since you love H.P. Lovecraft, why not have the stone summon Cthulhu or something?

So....I tell you not to stop, and then you stop. :(

Just wanted to let you know that I'm making progress.

Steven

You're off to a good start with the snake closing in. I wouldn't scrap the scene with Billy losing his pet snake yet, at least not until you get further into it and see the extent to which you want to utilize the human characters. If you don't develop a subplot with them, then yes, there wouldn't be much point in including that scene. But if you do, then don't let me stop you. )

Well, you see, I wasn't intending for the Billy thing to be that big of a deal in the story. I was thinking that one possible outcome of the snake battle would be having Jeremy pick the snake up and drop it off with Billy, and then never mentioning it again. Of course, I'd prefer to have Martin beat the snake himself, as he does in the segment below. This means that the opening with Billy is not only more dialogue-heavy and prose-thin than the rest of what I wrote (meaning I'm too lazy to try to expand it :P), it's also unnecessary. Unless, of course, you absolutely MUST know exactly why there's a snake on the loose at this particular time.

Besides...

I don't want humans in the story at all. The war is a conflict between showing their excistance to humans or not.

So... No human scenes. ;)

lilililili

WHACK!!! The snake was hit hard in the back of the head by a large pebble. Mrs. Brisby heard the snake's irritated hisses, and looked up to see what was going on. And there was Martin, holding his slingshot, ready to fight the snake. The snake lowered its head, ready to take a bite out of Martin. As the snake lunged forward, Martin dodged the attack and put out its eye with another round from his slingshot. The snake winced at its injury, and then saw through its good eye that Mrs. Brisby wasn't moving. It lunged at the widowed mouse. Without any time to think, she dropped the packet and ran before the snake could get her. The snake missed and slammed its head on the gravestone. It turned around, and then came at Martin again. Martin ducked, and doing so got a deep bleeding cut on his forearm.

"Agh!" grunted Martin in pain. The thing that got him was a shard of sharp, serrated metal with a bit of bar code on it. Martin looked at the deep cut in his arm, and had an idea. He tore the shard off of its fixture and set it into his slingshot. All of a sudden, the snake wrapped its tail around Mrs. Brisby.

"Mom!" gasped Martin. The snake started to squeeze her breathless. But just as she swooned from lack of oxygen, Martin pulled back his slingshot as far as he possibly could and fired. The shard of metal sliced all the way through the snake's remaining eye, cut into the snake's brain, and killed the ravenous reptile. The dead serpent loosened its grip on Mrs. Brisby, and she fell to the ground. The snake was gone.

Martin breathed a sigh of relief, clutched his bleeding forearm, and turned to the gravestones where his mother watched the battle. He ran over to where she was, and shook her back to consciousness.

"Are you alright, mom?" asked Martin. Mrs. Brisby took a few deep breaths, a little shaken from the encounter with the snake, but alright.

"I lost the packet," said Mrs. Brisby.

"Where'd you lose it?" he asked.

"I think… Over by the gravestones. I'll check." When Martin turned his head to the gravestones, something special caught his eye.

lilililili

Steven

Here's the first part of the next chapter. I wrote this to a playlist of romantic movie scores, to get me into the right mood. Azathoth's rewrite of my Martin/Breta test dialogue was of great help in writing this.

lilililili

Chapter 2: The Girl

She was still curled up in a ball on the ground, quaking in fear. Martin slowly approached her. Hearing his footsteps, she looked up at him, remnants of fear behind her eyes. Their eyes met and for a moment they looked into each other. Martin felt uneasy yet enthralled. His emotions were very confusing.

"Who are you?" asked the girl in a meek voice. Martin was speechless for a moment, but soon enough he brought himself to answer her question.

"I… I'm Martin. Are you okay?" he asked. The timid girl looked downward, then, with her head still down, she nodded slightly.

"Yes," she answered softly, in what was almost a whisper. "I'm fine."

"What's your name?" asked Martin, finding himself inexplicably drawing closer to her. Maybe a little too close, he quickly realized when their noses gently touched as she looked back up at him. Now it was her turn to be speechless. After a moment, without breaking eye contact, she stood up to her full height. She went up to Martin's chin.

"Breta," she finally answered. "Breta Monroe."

"Breta?" echoed Martin. "That's a nice name." Breta smiled, and looked downward bashfully.

Over at the other side of the gravestones, while Martin and Breta were talking, Mrs. Brisby was searching frantically for the medicine packet. Turning over several rocks and consistently finding nothing, she grew more and more worried that she'd never find it. But, while Breta gave Martin her name, Mrs. Brisby finally found the medicine packet.

"Oh, thank goodness," she said to herself, picking up the packet. "Martin?" As she turned in Martin's general direction, she found him talking with the girl that brought the snake to her. Suddenly, Mrs. Brisby's ears perked up and her mouth opened slightly in surprise. The interaction between her son and this girl reminded Mrs. Brisby of her first encounter with Jonathan. It was a welcome memory. She smiled to herself and decided to approach them quietly, without interrupting.

lilililili

All comments and critiques welcome.

Steven

The theme music for this thread.[=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g04aCp3ej-I]The theme music for this thread. ;)

In all seriousness...

lilililili

It was at this point when Breta finally took her eyes off of Martin's face. When she looked down, she noticed the wound on his arm that he got from the fight with the snake. The wound was pretty deep.

"Oh," she said in soft concern, putting a hand to her face.

"Hmm?" went Martin. He looked down at the bleeding wound on his arm. And he started to feel pain again, as if from the mere sight of his wound. He tore off a piece of his shirt and attempted to wrap it around his forearm. With only one hand, though, the attempt wasn't very successful.

"Here," said Breta, unable to bear seeing him this helpless. She wrapped the cloth around the wound for him.

"Thanks," said Martin. "So… Why was there a snake chasing you?"

"Well, I was just going for a walk around here," answered Breta, while still wrapping the cloth around Martin's wound. "I had no idea there was a snake here. It attacked me when I reached the garden."

"I guess it was a good thing you ran into us," said Martin. Breta nodded. She finished the wrapping, and Martin began to secure it with a knot. After a moment of hesitation, Breta requested something of Martin.

"Martin?" she asked.

"Yes, Breta?" asked Martin.

"Will you walk me home?" asked Breta.

Martin was about to answer Breta's request when he saw his mother waiting patiently a few inches away. Remembering the importance of Timmy's packet, he immediately disengaged himself from Breta.

"I'm sorry," said Martin. "I have to go home with my mom. We're delivering medicine for my brother. Bye." Mrs. Brisby realized that she broke the connection between them. She knew that the medicine had to be delivered to Timmy, but she also knew that they were close enough to their own home that she didn't need an escort anymore. Besides that, she pitied Breta.

"Martin, wait," said Mrs. Brisby. "I don't need an escort anymore."

"What?" asked Martin.

"We're not too far from home," said Mrs. Brisby. "I can get back by myself. You can do whatever you want." She winked at Martin and scurried off into the thicket with the medicine packet. Martin started to wonder if she was a matchmaker in her maiden years.

"Mom?" called Martin. "Mom?!" There was no reply. Martin turned back to Breta, who had a bemused look on her face.

"Uh…" began Martin. "I guess I can walk you home now. Where's your home?"

"That way," said Breta, pointing in a direction perpendicular to the one Mrs. Brisby went.

"Well, then what are we waiting for?" smiled Martin. "Let's go!" Martin ran off in the direction Breta had indicated.

"Martin, wait up!" called Breta playfully as she ran to catch up with him.

lilililili

Merry Christmas. ;)

Steven

I don't need any feedback on the story at the moment, but a little "Keep going, Steven" would help me write a little faster. ;)

Steven

I don't need any feedback on the story at the moment, but a little "Keep going, Steven" would help me write a little faster. ;)

Steven

"Keep going, Steven! May the force be with you!"

Id recommend reading some more fanfiction, especially Paul Gibbs' "The Rats of Thorn Valley" to get a better understanding of the craft, not that I think you're doing a particularity bad job or anything. I just think Gibbs' fanfiction paints a great picture of Thorn Valley life and wraps in up in an admittedly far-fetched (at least for canon), but still well written story.

Here's the link: http://robin.thornvalley.com/node/1

Looking great so far. Martin and Breta’s first meeting was cute and pitch-perfect. I’m starting to wonder though since you’ve already presented this much of the story here in this space, are you intending to do so with the rest of it, or wait until you have a more substantial portion done and then submit it to Robin’s?

Appropriate "soundtrack," too; hope it doesn't mean you're getting bored with it!

Oh, yes…Happy Nude Deer! lol

Looking great so far. Martin and Breta’s first meeting was cute and pitch-perfect. I’m starting to wonder though: since you’ve already presented this much of the story here in this space, are you intending to do so with the rest of it, or wait until you have a more substantial portion done and then submit it to Robin’s?

Thanks! I'm kinda planning on doing both: I'm planning to post the first draft of the story here, and then make an account on Robin's to submit the final version once everyone here has criticized it.

Appropriate "soundtrack," too; hope it doesn't mean you're getting bored with it!

Not too bored. But I really did it to let me concentrate on the story more and to get me in the right mood to write a romance scene.

Oh, yes…Happy Nude Deer! :lol:

Idiot. Everyone knows it's Happy Root Beer! :lol:

Steven

Here's the first part of Chapter 3:

lilililili

Chapter 3: The Rotting Sycamore Stump

It was now dusk. Just as Mrs. Brisby had predicted, she hadn't encountered a single mishap on the way to her family's summer home; a fallen log in a state of decay. The place was nicer than it sounded, with all the trappings of the Brisby's winter home in the cement brick: a dinner table with chairs, a nice bed for each member of the family, a fireplace -shielded with metal, of course, to prevent the entire log from catching fire- and dressers for their clothes. All of this was built by Jonathan Brisby during his lifetime.

"Kids? Kids, I'm home!" called Mrs. Brisby into the doorway.

"Mother?" called the voice of Mrs. Brisby's oldest child, Teresa.

"Mommy's home!" came the joyful voice of Cynthia, Mrs. Brisby's youngest child. The two girls and Mrs. Brisby's younger son, Timothy, poked their heads out of the doorway to see their mother. Timmy looked cheerless when he saw the medicine packet.

"Is that the medicine?" groaned Timmy.

"Yes, it is," answered Mrs. Brisby in a chiding tone. "But I think even you should be happy to know that this is the last packet you'll need to fully cure you." Timmy's ears perked up in surprise.

"The last?" he echoed.

"The last," confirmed Mrs. Brisby. "Mr. Ages said so." And at that, Timmy rushed from the doorway and into the kitchen, getting out a bowl and spoon. Mrs. Brisby smiled and rolled her eyes as Teresa ushered her in. Once her mother was inside, Teresa looked out the door for her brother, finding only the empty background of their front yard. Reeling herself back inside, Teresa looked at her mother with a touch of concern.

"Where's Martin?" she asked.

"Oh, he's alright," Mrs. Brisby reassured her daughter as she prepared Timmy's medicine. "He met a new friend while we were almost home, and I told him that he could walk her home."

"Her?" repeated Teresa in disbelief. "She was a girl?" Mrs. Brisby chuckled and nodded yes to Teresa. Now Teresa was really paying attention. She'd had fleeting daydreams of herself finding romance, and even gave a few brief thoughts about Timmy doing the same, ever since he told them about that one crazy dream he had, in which he fell in love with a mouse named Jenny. But Martin, by far, was the least romantic of the whole Brisby litter. Teresa never would've expected this. She wanted to know more about it.

"Tell me more," said Teresa, very much interested in hearing Martin's encounter with this girl. As Mrs. Brisby dashed the powder into the broth and served it to Timmy, she recounted the snake attack, Martin's intervention, and what she saw of his interaction with the girl named Breta. She finished saying that she left Martin with Breta to take her home.

"So that's where Martin is?" asked Teresa.

"Yes, dear," answered her mother. "He's probably there right now, kissing her goodbye."


Martin and Breta were nowhere near the Monroe residence at that time. A few minutes after they started to run, Breta had run out of breath. Martin had turned around to come back to her, and they walked leisurely the rest of the way. And as they walked, they conversed.

"So… It's a long way to your home, isn't it?" asked Martin.

"Well, yes," said Breta. "Our family just moved here a few days ago, and the closest sheltered spot to the farm we could find was by the river. How's your arm?" Martin put his hand on the wound.

"It's feeling a lot better," said Martin.

"Good," said Breta, who added after a pause, "What's your family like?"

"Well," said Martin. "You've already met my mom. Teresa's my older sister. Timothy's my younger brother, and my kid sister is Cynthia."

"What about your dad?" asked Breta. Martin slowed to an eventual stop. There were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. Breta slowed with him, and gave an understanding nod. But the very problem Martin had was, in fact, that she didn't understand, and perhaps never will. Dad never told mom about the Rats of NIMH, or about his extended lifespan in the first place because he was afraid of scaring her. He put off telling her or the rest of his family about NIMH until it was too late for him. Martin, surely, would've inherited the same extended lifespan, and he wanted so desperately to tell Breta right there that truth. The window of opportunity wouldn't stay open forever. But he also swore secrecy to the Rats of NIMH. Besides, if he told her now, she'd probably brand him as crazy.

"Martin?" asked Breta. "Are you okay?" Martin shook himself and looked at Breta.

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Martin. Now. Crazy or not, he just had to do it as preemptively as possible. "Breta, there's something I have to tell you." Breta listened, for an instant, but before Martin could begin, she turned around and jerked her head up to the sky. Panic formed onto her face. Martin wondered what was going on with her.

"What's wrong?" asked Martin.

"Didn't you hear that?" asked Breta fearfully. Martin had noticed earlier that Breta's ears were a tad bigger than his.

"Hear what?" asked Martin. And it was at that moment when a small noise he barely noticed earlier became loud and clear: the high-pitched shriek of a hawk. Martin looked up, and, sure enough, saw a hawk in the distance coming out from behind the trees in the forest. It was coming in fast. Very fast. Breta's eyes widened with panic. Martin was feeling an adrenaline rush himself. But he wasn't going to let anything scare him, not even predators this large. Doing the very thing he did best -think on his toes- he looked around for someplace for them to take shelter. The closest shelter in that area was underneath the rotting stump of a long deceased sycamore tree.

"Breta, in there!" he barked. Breta saw the stump Martin was pointing to, and dashed toward it. Martin ran as fast as he could in a perpendicular direction, to distract the hawk and keep Breta safe for the moment. Just as he figured, the hawk started to chase Martin, as he was the bigger meal. The hawk's claws opened, waiting to take Martin in their grasp. At the last second, Martin dodged the claws and made a break for the sycamore stump, in which Breta was now waiting for him.

"Martin, hurry!" cried Breta. The hawk was only momentarily evaded. The instant Martin had dodged its talons, it turned around and fixed its highly-trained eyes on the sycamore stump. Martin ran across the field, fighting to get to the same stump. The hawk soared through the air, very nearly reaching Martin. But, it was too late for the hawk. Martin ducked into the stump just before the hawk could grab him. Breta grasped Martin in relief.

But the hawk didn't give up yet. Before the mice could say anything, the carnivorous bird rammed its head at the entrance, trying to force it open wide enough to grab them in its beak. The entrance began to buckle underneath the immense pressure. Breta buried her face into Martin's chest.
lilililili

I think I may be getting worse. Am I?

Steven

Actually, I think you're getting better. You seem to be going into more detail than you did when you first started out.

Keep up the good work.

Actually, I think you're getting better. You seem to be going into more detail than you did when you first started out.

Keep up the good work.

How about content? Is there anything that seems dumb to you? I need to know if there is something dumb at any given point so I can change it.

Steven

Actually, I think you're getting better. You seem to be going into more detail than you did when you first started out.

Keep up the good work.

How about content? Is there anything that seems dumb to you? I need to know if there is something dumb at any given point so I can change it.

Steven

Relax! If there's anything that seems out of line, we'll tell you.

What he said! You're doing fine, Pennsy-dude. )

Liked Teresa's reaction to Martin getting "romantic," and the NIMH 2 reference. Martin's dilemma over leveling with Breta was well handled.

The scene with the hawk, I have to say, brought to mind a similar scene in NIMH 2, and in both cases I don't believe a typical hawk would work that hard to snare its prey. It would more likely give up if it couldn't nail its prey on first strike. Outside my apartment building, I once saw a hawk try to get at one of a group of house sparrows, who all ducked for cover inside a close-set shrub. The hawk gave up right away and just flew up a nearby tree limb, looking a little disgruntled, though my being there may have been a factor as well.

What he said! You're doing fine, Pennsy-dude. :)

Liked Teresa's reaction to Martin getting "romantic," and the NIMH 2 reference. Martin's dilemma over leveling with Breta was well handled.

Again, thanks! One of my original ideas was having Teresa be upset that Martin found a girlfriend before she found a boyfriend, but I eventually thought that was a dumb idea, so I went the other way with it. (Good thing, too!)

The scene with the hawk, I have to say, brought to mind a similar scene in NIMH 2, and in both cases I don't believe a typical hawk would work that hard to snare its prey. It would more likely give up if it couldn't nail its prey on first strike. Outside my apartment building, I once saw a hawk try to get at one of a group of house sparrows, who all ducked for cover inside a close-set shrub. The hawk gave up right away and just flew up a nearby tree limb, looking a little disgruntled, though my being there may have been a factor as well.

Yet again, thanks! Finally, another critical response like those earlier in this thread! :D I had a little trouble figuring out how to end the scene, but I think you just solved that problem with this paragraph! ;)

Steven

We should change the theme song of the thread to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hjGuTJAJrY

We should change the theme song of the thread to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hjGuTJAJrY

Really? And why is that?

Steven

We should change the theme song of the thread to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hjGuTJAJrY

Really? And why is that?

Steven

Don't stop for nothing...it's full speed or nothing. XD

In all seriousness, I just wanted to post a Metallica song to lighten up the mood and keep your blood flowing...."Motorbreath" is always good for that. :wink:

We should change the theme song of the thread to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hjGuTJAJrY

Really? And why is that?

Steven

Don't stop for nothing...it's full speed or nothing. XD

In all seriousness, I just wanted to post a Metallica song to lighten up the mood and keep your blood flowing...."Motorbreath" is always good for that. :wink:

Ah, yes. Lighten up the mood and get the adrenaline going. But since I'm more into Movie Scores than Metallica, this[=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKq1yjrOo7M]this would do that job more effectively for me. :P

At any rate, anything's a welcome change from crickets chirping. ;)

Steven

Here's Chapter 3 Part 2 w/ REVISION:

lilililili

"Martin?" asked Breta. "Are you okay?" Martin shook himself and looked at Breta.

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Martin. Now. Crazy or not, he just had to do it as preemptively as possible. "Breta, there's something I have to tell you." Breta listened, for an instant, but before Martin could begin, she turned around and jerked her head up to the sky. Panic formed onto her face.

"What's wrong?" asked Martin.

"Didn't you hear that?" asked Breta fearfully. Martin now noticed that Breta's ears were a tad bigger than his.

"Hear what?" asked Martin. And it was at that moment when a small noise he barely noticed earlier became loud and clear: the high-pitched shriek of a hawk. Martin looked up, and, sure enough, saw a hawk in the distance coming out from behind the trees in the forest. It was coming in fast. Very fast. Breta's eyes widened with panic. Martin was feeling an adrenaline rush himself. But he wasn't going to let anything scare him, not even predators this large. Thinking on his toes -one of his better skills- he looked around for someplace for them to take shelter. The closest shelter in that area was underneath the rotting stump of a long deceased sycamore tree.

"Breta, in there!" he barked. Breta saw the stump Martin was pointing to, and dashed toward it. Martin ran as fast as he could in a perpendicular direction, to distract the hawk and keep Breta safe for the moment. Just as he figured, the hawk started to chase Martin, as he was the bigger meal. The hawk's claws opened, waiting to take Martin in their grasp. At the last second, Martin dodged the claws and made a break for the sycamore stump, in which Breta was now waiting for him.

"Martin, hurry!" cried Breta. The hawk was only momentarily evaded. The instant Martin had dodged its talons, it turned around and fixed its highly-trained eyes on the sycamore stump. Martin ran across the field, fighting to get to the same stump. The hawk soared through the air, very nearly reaching Martin. But, it was too late for the hawk. Martin ducked into the stump just before the hawk could grab him. The hawk pulled up just in time, narrowly avoiding crashing into the stump. Breta grasped Martin in relief.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Martin. He looked out of the entrance. The hawk seemed to have given up, for it was nowhere to be seen. The only things in the sky were pink-tinted clouds. The sun was already half-gone. Martin came back in and looked to Breta.

"How far is it to your house from here?" asked Martin.

"I don't think it's too far," said Breta, who then added worriedly, "You aren't thinking of going back out there now, are you?"

"Well, if we're close," reasoned Martin. "Then we ought to be able to get there without any problems." Martin started for the entrance, but Breta grabbed his arm. Martin turned to her.

"Martin, it's too dangerous!" said Breta. "Even if that was the only hawk out there, it'd probably find us again once we're out!" Martin instinctively displayed a bravado here; the kind of bravado that he was unfortunately well-known for.

"I'm not afraid of that hawk!" he said.

"Well, I am!" snapped Breta.

"Do you wanna get back home or not?" growled Martin.

"Of course I do!" shot back Breta, now very frustrated with Martin's attitude. "But I wanna make it back alive!" And with that, she stormed off a little further into the stump. Martin slumped by the entrance and waited there. And what went on inside Martin surprised him. He wanted Breta to be wrong, but he knew she wasn't. After all, she did have a point, they would be safer inside this sheltered stump than out in the open where the hawk or some other predator would almost surely find them. And besides that, there was just something that felt horribly wrong about treating her the way he did. So, faster than he had ever done before in his life, he shook off his angry mood. He then got up and moved toward Breta. She was sitting, tail curled around her legs. Martin put a paw on Breta's shoulder.

"Breta?" asked Martin. "I'm sorry for yelling at you." Breta turned her head to Martin. Her eyes were very watery.

"So am I," said Breta. "So what are we going to do?"

"We're going to do like you said," said Martin. "We'll stay here for the night. You're right, it'll be safer that way." Breta smiled.

"Thanks, Martin," she said. Martin then got down and started to feel around the dark place for a spot to sleep in. Once he got to a part of the ground with looser dirt…

"OW!" he said.

"What?" asked Breta. "What happened?"

"I just hurt my paw," explained Martin. "It's not bad." Martin didn't want Breta to worry about another wound of his. He was more concerned with the object that pricked him.

"I think there's something sharp buried here, I'll dig it out." Martin dug around the sharpness, and pulled out the object that hurt him. It was an inch long stick of perfectly straight twig, and very sleek, too. One end had a sharp point, while the other was softer, and more feathery.

"What is it?" asked Breta. Martin had a basic understanding of history he had learned from his father, while he was alive. He knew enough to at least identify the object.

"It's an arrow," said Martin.

"A what?"

"You know, like a bow-and-arrow?" Breta shook her head. Martin remembered that Breta, being a normal mouse, probably wouldn't have the same education that he had.

"It's a kind of weapon," explained Martin. "Humans invented them long ago."

"But why would a human bury them here?" asked Breta.

"Well, this isn't a human-sized arrow," said Martin. "It's way too small. It's more like a… A rat's arrow!" The Rats of NIMH. They were the only ones who could've made something like this. They must've had an outpost here once. At least, that's what Martin reasoned.

"Martin, why would a rat need an arrow?" asked Breta, her voice tinted with the faintest hint of a tremble. Martin shrugged.

"Archery, maybe?" he suggested. "Why?"

"If an arrow is a weapon," reasoned Breta. "Then whoever owns it could use it to kill." Not a very pleasant thought to think about when you're an unauthorized visitor in that place.

"Well, let's just go to sleep and not worry about it." said Martin, starting to feel the ground for a soft enough spot to sleep on. "I don't think anyone will bother us, at least by the time we leave. This place seems to have been deserted a while ago." That observation wasn't strictly based on their immediate surroundings, but rather on the fact that the only Rats that could've made this arrow left, and definitely weren't coming back again.

"Okay," said Breta, still not entirely reassured. By this point the sun had truly set, and Martin found a nice, soft spot on the ground with no sharp objects protruding from it. He laid down, and motioned Breta to do the same. She came over to the spot and cautiously laid down on it right next to Martin. They looked at each other, and, even in the dimness of the night, they each saw the fear behind the other's eyes. Breta tucked her head under Martin's chin and wrapped her arms around him. Martin held her, gently stroking the fur on her back. And they eventually fell asleep.

lilililili

So, how does this work? I have a feeling the arrow thing might be no good.

Steven

Here's Chapter 3 Part 2 Revision 2:

lilililili

"I'm not afraid of that hawk!" he said.

"Well, I am!" snapped Breta.

"Do you wanna get back home or not?" growled Martin. By that point, Breta had it with Martin. She slapped him in the face, and stormed off a little further into the stump. Martin slumped by the entrance and waited there, rubbing his stinging chin. And what went on inside Martin surprised him. He wanted Breta to be wrong, but he knew she wasn't. After all, she did have a point, they would be safer inside this sheltered stump than out in the open where the hawk or some other predator would almost surely find them. And besides that, there was just something that felt horribly wrong about treating her the way he did. So, faster than he had ever done before in his life, he shook off his angry mood. He then got up and moved toward Breta. She was sitting, tail curled around her legs. Martin put a paw on Breta's shoulder.

"Breta?" asked Martin. "You okay?" Breta turned her head to Martin. Her eyes were very watery.

"Yes," said Breta. "Martin?"

"What?"

"I love you." Martin smiled at this.

"I love you, too," Martin took her in a firm embrace. They fell over sideways, and eventually fell asleep.

lilililili

Steven

Here's Chapter 3 Part 2 Revision 2:

lilililili

"I'm not afraid of that hawk!" he said.

"Well, I am!" snapped Breta.

"Do you wanna get back home or not?" growled Martin. By that point, Breta had it with Martin. She slapped him in the face, and stormed off a little further into the stump. Martin slumped by the entrance and waited there, rubbing his stinging chin. And what went on inside Martin surprised him. He wanted Breta to be wrong, but he knew she wasn't. After all, she did have a point, they would be safer inside this sheltered stump than out in the open where the hawk or some other predator would almost surely find them. And besides that, there was just something that felt horribly wrong about treating her the way he did. So, faster than he had ever done before in his life, he shook off his angry mood. He then got up and moved toward Breta. She was sitting, tail curled around her legs. Martin put a paw on Breta's shoulder.

"Breta?" asked Martin. "You okay?" Breta turned her head to Martin. Her eyes were very watery.

"Yes," said Breta. "Martin?"

"What?"

"I love you." Martin smiled at this.

"I love you, too," Martin took her in a firm embrace. They fell over sideways, and eventually fell asleep.

lilililili

Steven

Yeah, I like this better than the first revision.

I have to disagree; it looks like you're rushing things with their relationship. And the discovery of the rat-sized arrow would have provided a nice bit of foreshadowing.

I have to disagree; it looks like you're rushing things with their relationship. And the discovery of the rat-sized arrow would have provided a nice bit of foreshadowing.

Looking back, I'm going to have to change my opinion and agree with Grandpa Leemy here. You should save their declaration of love during the war, where there will be more danger and thus more emotional impact. Though I can't really help you with the arrow thing...

I have to disagree; it looks like you're rushing things with their relationship. And the discovery of the rat-sized arrow would have provided a nice bit of foreshadowing.

Looking back, I'm going to have to change my opinion and agree with Grandpa Leemy here. You should save their declaration of love during the war, where there will be more danger and thus more emotional impact. Though I can't really help you with the arrow thing...

As for the declaration of love, you may be right. I'll file that away for later, when I get well into the war.

As for the arrow scene, I really just wrote it to get Breta frightened. So that's definitely out, at least for the more melodramatic aspect of it. So embarrassing... :oops:

Steven

I'd just like to make it official that the arrow scene, all of it, is OUT!!!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cY-FhGhzltI/TV6dW5P5YtI/AAAAAAAAAjs/Ea9_Y5Xsesg/s1600/rejected-seal.jpg[" alt=""/img]

Foreshadowing won't work with what I have planned. I want the Rogue Rats to pop out of nowhere, and nobody has a clue who they are and what they're doing until Justin explains in a later chapter.

lilililili

"How far is it to your house from here?" asked Martin.

"I don't think it's too far," said Breta, who then added worriedly, "You aren't thinking of going back out there now, are you?"

"Well, if we're close," reasoned Martin. "Then we ought to be able to get there without any problems." Martin started for the entrance, but Breta grabbed his arm. Martin turned to her.

"Martin, no!" she said.

"C'mon, Breta, let's go!"

"It's too dangerous!" said Breta, getting increasingly frustrated with Martin. "Even if that was the only hawk out there, it'd probably find us again once we're out!" Martin instinctively displayed a bravado here; the kind of bravado that he was unfortunately well-known for.

"I'm not afraid of that hawk!" he said.

"Well, I am!" snapped Breta.

"Do you wanna get back home or not?" growled Martin. By that point, Breta had had it with Martin. Scowling, she stormed off a little further into the stump. Martin slumped by the entrance and waited there. And what went on inside Martin surprised him. He wanted Breta to be wrong, but he knew she wasn't. After all, she did have a point, they would be safer inside this sheltered stump than out in the open where the hawk or some other predator would almost surely find them. And besides that, there was just something that felt horribly wrong about treating her the way he did. So, faster than he had ever done before in his life, he shook off his angry mood. He then got up and moved toward Breta. She was sitting, tail curled around her legs. Martin put a paw on Breta's shoulder.

"Breta?" asked Martin. "You okay?" Breta turned her head to Martin. Her eyes were very watery.

"Yes," said Breta. "Martin, I'm sorry." Martin shook his head at this.

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry," he said. "You're right. We're staying in here tonight."

"Thanks, Martin," said Breta, barely showing a smile. Martin laid himself down on the ground, and Breta followed suit. They were facing each other, comfortably close. Martin put an arm around her.

"Martin?"

"What?"

"You said earlier you had something to tell me. What was it?" Martin opened his mouth to speak, but stopped. Before the hawk attack he had to almost force himself to want to tell her, even though he never got the chance to say anything. Now, he had a little more time to think. And with this time, he concluded that he shouldn't tell her just yet. He remembered the paramount importance of keeping the Secret of the Rats of NIMH safe. He'd have to tell her later. Much later.

"It's nothing," said Martin. "Nothing that you need to know right away."

"Oh," said Breta, a tad disappointed. Before they drifted off to sleep, they turned away from each other and lay there for another few hours in uncomfortable silence. Breta spent that time in curiosity, wondering what Martin's secret was and why he was reluctant to tell her. Martin spent it trying to figure out how to tell her. And fretting about what would happen when it became too late.

lilililili

Hopefully this will be the last revision needed to make the scene perfect. ;)

Steven

Just for proof that I haven't forgotten this story...

lilililili

Chapter 4: The Next Morning

Mrs. Brisby woke up the next morning in the living room. She began to worry last night when Martin didn't come back before sunset. She waited in the living room, using her red cape for a blanket, hoping that he'd come back soon enough. She must've fallen asleep while she was waiting. After she gathered her bearings that morning, she realized that Martin hadn't come back last night. She darted for the boy's bedroom to check to see if he had come home and was just in bed. But the bed was empty. She came over to the bed and felt it. It was cold. Unused. Vacant. Mrs. Brisby's eyes widened as terrible explanations for these circumstances ran through her worried head. She blamed herself for this. It was her fault for leaving Martin so late in the evening. Who knows what could've happened to him by now?

"Mom?" called a tired voice from behind her. Mrs. Brisby turned around, finding that Timothy had just woken up.

"What's going on?" he asked. Mrs. Brisby knelt by Timmy's bed and put her hands on his shoulders.

"Timmy, I'm going out to look for Martin. Don't leave the house," she ordered. "When Teresa wakes up, tell her I left her in charge until I get back. You know where the food for breakfast is." And with that, she left the boy's room into the living room. She donned her cape and bolted to the front door, calling out Martin's name as she ran across the field.


Meanwhile, inside the sycamore stump, Breta woke up all of the sudden with a sharp pain in her shoulder. Something made a stab at her. She jumped and grasped her arm. She looked upon the perpetrator, and was struck with fear. It was a rat. For reasons that were beyond Breta, the rat was wearing armor and holding a spear. The spear was what had pricked Breta's shoulder. Right now, it was pointed at Martin, who was still asleep.

"Don't hurt him," pleaded Breta. The rat seemed to disregard her plea. He pricked Martin's shoulder, waking him up instantly.

"Ow!" yelped Martin, every hair on his body standing on end. He looked upon the giant rat, and glared at the him as he sneered back.

"Alright, mice, what're you doing here?" asked the rat, in a deep, menacing voice.

"It's none of your business," retorted Martin. Big mistake on Martin's part. The rat jabbed his spear at Martin's shoulder again, this time making a cut in his skin.

"Please," stammered Breta. "We were just staying here for the- for the night." The rat was coming in closer, taking a nice, good look at Martin. Without notice, he confiscated Martin's slingshot and called outside.

"It's alright!" he said. "It's just a couple of mouselings!" And at that, four more, slightly smaller rats climbed into the stump, each carrying a sword on his belt. They were all giving laughs of relief amongst themselves, as if they saw Martin and Breta's footprints outside and thought they were some sort of enemy.

"This one's a Brisby," said the first rat, grabbing Martin by the arm and smiling maliciously. Breta didn't like how the Rats knew who Martin was, and she had a feeling they were going to do something horrible to him.

"Please! Leave him alon-" began Breta, who stopped when a sword was put gently to her neck, keeping her from Martin.

"I suggest you leave, mousie," said the second rat. Breta was hesitant to reply, and looked to Martin.

"Don't worry about me, Breta," said Martin. "Just get out of here!" Breta looked to the entrance, and felt the sword ease off of her neck. Slowly and hesitantly, she made her way to the entrance, and then dashed away to her house, tears filling her eyes.

lilililili

Steven

^Yay or Nay?

Steven

If you mean how's the story coming, a definite yay. :)

Incidentally, have you noticed that this topic, On the fan-fiction balcony, and your Off-topic thread are the only ones with over a hundred replies?

If you mean how's the story coming, a definite yay. :)

Incidentally, have you noticed that this topic, On the fan-fiction balcony, and your Off-topic thread are the only ones with over a hundred replies?

Well, the Off-Topic thread was designed to be an open blog. ;)

As for this topic, I guess it takes a lot of conversation to get something good out of "George Lucas" types like me. :roll:

Steven

Here's Chapter 4 Part 2:

lilililili

Mrs. Brisby made her way back to the spot where she had left Martin and Breta last evening: the gravestones. She followed her own footprints back, and found another two pairs of tracks. There was a bigger pair (surely these were Martin's) and a smaller pair (presumably these were Breta's). They ran off in a direction perpendicular to the one that led back home. Mrs. Brisby followed those tracks. They were in a straight line, Martin seemed to have doubled back once, but then continued on the same path. The tracks continued for a while, until she found, a few yards ahead from where she was at the moment, the tracks split apart. The smaller tracks ran directly inside a rotting sycamore stump, while the larger ones took a more roundabout route to the same place. Mrs. Brisby was about to check out the stump when an arrow stuck itself into the ground, a fraction of an inch from her chest. Mrs. Brisby jumped, goosebumps forming all over her skin, and looked up where the arrow's tail was pointing. What she saw was the silhouette of a rat.


Shortly after Breta had been shooed out, Martin had been bound and gagged by his captors in a strong cotton string. He was lying now in the middle of the room, and he was struggling to get out of his bonds. His family were probably worried sick about him by now. He had to get out as soon as he could. He struggled for a few minutes in vain. He took a few short breaks at times to recover his strength, but it took just one word for him to stop completely. That word was "Fitzgibbons," the family that owned the nearby farm. Once he heard that word, he turned to the rats and began to listen closer. They were whispering amongst themselves. Martin could barely make out any of the conversation. It was a pity Breta had to leave; her well-developed hearing skills would've been helpful in interpreting what the rats were saying. The only other words Martin could discern were "vacation," "Brisby," and "Dragon." Martin knew that the Fitzgibbons were away on vacation for the summer, but what about the other words? Were they planning to feed him to Dragon, the Fitzgibbons' cat? As Martin pondered the motives of these rats, he heard a feminine yelp from behind. He turned around to the entrance of the stump and saw his mother lying there, bound at the wrists and ankles.

"Mmmf?" went Martin.

"Martin?" said Mrs. Brisby, looking surprised to find him in there. The rats heard Mrs. Brisby as well, and ceased their hushed conversation to find her lying at the entrance. They grinned maliciously at her.

"Well, if it isn't Mrs. Brisby," said the first rat. "What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for my son," said Mrs. Brisby defiantly. "But I was caught by your friends." The first rat looked confused, and turned to his group, who were all present, and then back at Mrs. Brisby.

"What 'friends'?" he queried. At that moment, an arrow flew through the entrance and ran straight through the first rat's heart. In leaped Justin the Rat, wielding a bow-and-arrow and wearing Lincoln green armor that stood in great contrast to that of the rats that had captured Martin.li Behind him came a team of armed rats wearing the same green armor as Justin. Jumping over Mrs. Brisby, they attacked the crimson-armored rats, slaughtering as many as possible. One of the crimson rats ran to Mrs. Brisby, another to Martin. These crimson rats were trying to escape the stump with at least one Brisby hostage in their possession. But a giant green-armored rat with pupil-less eyes (the rat which Mrs. Brisby recognized as Brutus) stood in the way of both of the attacking rats. They stopped in front of Brutus, and poised themselves for battle. Brutus parried their attacks, and ran one of them through. That didn't stop the other from reaching Martin. Brutus made his way to the remaining rat. The remaining rat had hoisted Martin on his shoulder, and gave a smug grin as he held his sword to Martin's back. Brutus paused for a moment, then deftly made a swipe at the rat's paw, injuring it and making him drop his weapon and his hostage. Brutus didn't hesitate to run his sword through the rat's gut once Martin had dropped. Martin regained his bearings from the fall and looked around. The battle was over now. All of the darker-armored rats had all been killed in the attack. Justin made his way to Mrs. Brisby, pulling out a knife to cut her bonds. Once he cut her legs free, they made their way to Martin.

"Martin, are you okay?" asked Mrs. Brisby, checking him for wounds other than the one he got the evening before.

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Martin as he was cut free by Justin. "Now what's going on here? Who were those rats?" Justin looked to Mrs. Brisby. She, too, had no idea who those rats in the crimson armor were. Justin figured that now was the time to explain everything.

"These rats," explained Justin, pointing to one of the dead rats lying on the ground. "Were Rats of NIMH."

lilililili

liI added that the Rogues' armor is crimson.

Steven

I think this feels a little rushed, but progress is progress.

lilililili

"Martin, are you okay?" asked Mrs. Brisby, checking him for wounds other than the one he got the evening before. She touched Martin's shoulder, which looked like it had just received a fresher wound.

"I'm fine," said Martin as he was cut free by Justin. "Now what's going on here? Who were those rats?" Justin looked to Mrs. Brisby. She, too, had no idea who those rats in the crimson armor were. Justin figured that now was the time to explain everything.

"Perhaps I should start from the beginning," said Justin. "You see, almost a year ago, back when we were still constructing the village at Thorn Valley, I was starting to get complaints from some of the rats about how the culture of the Rats of NIMH had gotten too unsophisticated. They missed the luxuries they had back at the Rosebush. Apparently, they had become an organized faction led by a rat named Zachary. They had come up with the most ridiculous plan ever: they wanted us to reveal ourselves to the humans in hope that they would accept us and start trading with us.

"Naturally, there were plenty of heated debates between us, me and Zachary, until eventually, Zachary decided enough was enough. He knew he couldn't change my mind, and he sure wouldn't sway from his own position. So he and his followers left Thorn Valley, and, for the first few months, we thought we wouldn't see them again.

"That was proved wrong when they started raiding our village as the 'Rogue Rats.'

"They burned down our crops, stole food from our storages, and killed any rat in their way." Justin was noticeably heating up as he reflected on the unspeakable deeds the Rogues committed. "They took medical supplies and weapons from us as well. After the second raid, we had declared war on them, though by that time they had taken half our supplies.

"The raids continued after that, though we had doubled up the guard and drafted as many rats as we could into our own 'army.'" Justin stopped here. He wanted to add something else, but decided against it.

"I did two things to protect the Rats of Thorn Valley," said Justin. "First, I issued an evacuation, into an area the Rogues still don't even know about. The other thing I did was conduct a search party in an attempt to find the Rogues' base. The first place we thought they would go was the Fitzgibbons farm. After scouring the place for awhile, we found this place, with the Rogue markings on it. From where we were, we even thought we saw a Rogue on patrol." Justin turned to Mrs. Brisby.

"Again, thanks for helping us surprise the Rogues, and I'm sorry for almost hitting you with that arrow," he said to her. Mrs. Brisby nodded.

"So that's everything that happened?" asked Martin.

"Pretty much," said Justin. "Mrs. Brisby, may I have a word with you?" Mrs. Brisby came forward, and followed Justin to a corner to listen to what he had to say.

"There'll probably be more Rogues coming who-knows-when," Justin explained. "I don't think it'll be safe here for you or your family anymore. I can take all five of you to our base." Mrs. Brisby hesitated, and Justin took notice of it.

"If you stay, the Rogues will probably find you," said Justin seriously. "And then you'll end up a hostage, like Martin was. Perhaps even your children, too."

"Alright," said Mrs. Brisby. "I'll tell the children when we get back home."

"When do you think you'll be ready?"

"I think we can get packed in less than a day," said Mrs. Brisby.

"Tomorrow morning, then," said Justin. "We'll be waiting."

"Okay," said Mrs. Brisby. "Martin? Come on, now. We're going home." Mrs. Brisby, with Martin in tow, left for their home.

lilililili

Please, tell me anything about this segment that needs expansion and how you think it could be fleshed out better.

Steven

I don't think there's much that needs fleshing out in this section, but I hope there'll be an explanation as to why the Rogue Rats are so P.O.'d, enough to resort to burning crops and even killing fellow rats. Seems a little extreme when their agenda was originally to make contact and trade with humans, at least as far as Justin and the others knew.

I don't think there's much that needs fleshing out in this section, but I hope there'll be an explanation as to why the Rogue Rats are so P.O.'d, enough to resort to burning crops and even killing fellow rats. Seems a little extreme when their agenda was originally to make contact and trade with humans, at least as far as Justin and the others knew.

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/duh.gif[" alt=""/img] [img="]http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/duh.gif[" alt=""/img] [img="]http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/duh.gif[" alt=""/img]

Didn't think that far ahead. :x How about they don't start killing until their more peaceful methods stop being effective?

lilililili

Chapter 5: Packing Up

"Martin!" exclaimed Teresa in relief as he followed their mother into the house. "What happened?" Teresa, along with Timothy and Cynthia, had just finished breakfast and were waiting in the living room. Mrs. Brisby and Martin came inside almost with a sense of urgency.

"Mommy?" asked Cynthia. "Why was Marty gone so long?"

"Children," said Mrs. Brisby, not wanting to waste any time. "We have to leave tomorrow. Pack your things."

"Why?" asked Timothy. "We aren't moving back to the block already, are we?"

"No," said Mrs. Brisby. "I'll explain things while we're packing." Mrs. Brisby had held certain details back from the children during her first meeting with the rats. This time, however, she knew the children were in it with her, and they needed to be prepared for what they were about to get into. Even Cynthia, by this point, was mature enough to handle these more gravely serious matters. So, right off the bat, while she helped her children pack, Mrs. Brisby told them about everything that had transpired since she left that morning, with Martin filling in the blanks with what happened to him. She concluded by relaying the information Justin gave her, about the rats' civil war, and how the rats that call themselves Rogues saw each member of the Brisby family as prizes that would ensure their success in the war.

As they listened, Teresa and Timothy each had chills running down their spine. They had heard several stories from their late father involving wars, and they were quite entertained by them, but they never really appreciated the gravity of such a situation until now, when one had just come into their lives out of nowhere. Cynthia didn't fully understand the situation, but upon seeing how her siblings reacted, she felt fear welling up inside her. There was an uncomfortable silence amongst the Brisbys. Cynthia broke the silence.

"Mommy?" she said in a whimper. "Are we going to die?" The words stung Mrs. Brisby. She, too, had heard war stories from Jonathan, and from what she knew about the subject, it was always a high-risk game. There was no guarantee that you'd keep your life. But, then again, the Brisby's life had always been like that anyway, and they made it so far, right?

"No, sweetheart, don't worry," said Mrs. Brisby. "Justin and the Rats will protect us. But you must understand, we have to pack up by tonight so that we can leave tomorrow morning. We can't waste any time."

"Well, then, I guess we'd better get started," said Timothy, getting up to go to his room. The other children followed suit, and started to pack their things.

lilililili

Steven

Here's the next scene. This establishes some of Martin's relationships with his siblings. I think I'm finally getting back into full swing on this story now. :D

lilililili

After Teresa and Martin finished packing, they went downstairs (underground, to be more precise) into the storage room, where among the things they kept was linen cloth for wounds. The fireplace was down here, to illuminate the darkness, so that they could more easily find whatever it was they needed. As Teresa looked for the linen cloth, Martin took off his tattered shirt and the now-bloody strip he tore from it and set them on the sewing table for repair, or rather, for salvage.

"I found it!" called Teresa. "Come over here." After Martin did so, she wrapped linen cloth around his wounded forearm.

"I feel sorry for Breta," said Teresa. Martin looked at Teresa in confusion. It was a pretty random topic to bring out of thin air.

"What do you mean?" asked Martin.

"Well, she was forced to leave you behind, with a bunch of big, intimidating rats," answered Teresa. "I mean, if I were her, I'd worry about you."

"Oh," said Martin. "I see."

"And… We're gonna leave tomorrow morning."

"M-hmm," said Martin.

"And that means, if you don't find her today, you may never see her again."

"Maybe." Teresa slapped Martin's shoulder wound, upset at his colossal ignorance.

"OW!"

"Martin!" Teresa snapped. "Don't you want to find her again? Let her know you're alright?" Martin was surprised Teresa seemed so adamant about this.

"I'm guessing I should?"

"Yes! Today could be your last chance to see her ever again. You should take it. As soon as I'm done with you, you go find her home and spend the rest of the day with her." Martin was silent for a moment, trying to think of the most appropriate response.

"Alright," said Martin. "I will." As soon as he said this, Teresa had finished wrapping his forearm. She cut off the cloth and tied it up.

"Good," said Teresa as she started work on Martin's shoulder. "Now, I want you to wear a loose shirt, for the bandages." Martin sighed at this, but gave a nod of affirmation. He generally preferred wearing tight-fitting shirts, but he could wear looser shirts if he had to. Now Teresa had finished tending to Martin's wounds.

"Good," said Teresa.

"Okay, see you tonight!" said Martin as he left the basement.

-

Martin entered into the boy's room, where Timothy was sitting at his desk, writing something.

"Hiya, hero," said Martin. Timothy slammed his writing utensil on the paper and turned back to a snickering Martin.

"That stopped being funny three months ago," said Timothy. "Now can you just do whatever it is you came in here for and leave?"

"Jeez, you're touchy today," said Martin. Timothy turned back to his desk and dipped his pen in the blackberry ink.

"I tend to be on edge whenever you refer to 'the bad dream' for the express purpose of getting on my nerves," said Timothy as he continued writing.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I just came to get a shirt," said Martin, dropping the subject and going over to the drawer. "So what is it you're writing?"

"I'm putting one of my stories on paper," said Timothy. "I'm starting out with Over the Cliff."

"Great choice," said Martin, pulling a purple shirt from his drawer. "Are you going to bring it with you to the Rats' hideout?"

"Yup." Timothy turned back to Martin, who was donning the purple shirt.

"Not to pry, but where are you going?"

"Just… somewhere," said Martin. "I'll be back by tonight."

"Does this have anything to do with the girl you met last night?" Martin sighed.

"Yes," he groaned.

"Interesting," said Timothy. "I think I may have an idea for my next story."

"Does it involve me and Breta?" asked Martin.

"In a romantic relationship, yes," said Timothy. Martin nodded in acceptance.

"Okay," he said. "As long as that means you're gonna be the evil scientist this time." Timothy slammed his head on his desk as Martin, having gotten the last word, left the room.

lilililili

BTW, I'm ready for any sort of comments/criticism/etc. right about now. http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/cheerful.gif[" alt=""/img]

Steven

DELETED

I must admit to not being a fan of the NIMH 2 jokes. You can have them, but they should be more clever than simply referencing the film itself. Leemhuis was more subtle with his NIMH 2 jokes; namely the statue joke and Timothy's dream. They weren't direct references, but little aside jokes that tied in with the story. Your NIMH 2 jokes are "showing their parts" so to speak. It's as if you're saying: "Hey! Remember that terrible NIMH sequel? Well here's something to remind you of that sequel! Now laugh!" It's what we in the "comedy business" call forced humor. It's so obvious that you're trying to make us laugh by reminding us of the sequel. There's no humor in it, it's just a silly reference that doesn't add anything to your story.

Okay, okay, I agree, this second go-'round for the TttR jokes aren't as funny as the first one. http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/duh.gif[" alt=""/img] Out they go.

[img="]http://suzyoge.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/rejected-seal.jpg[" alt=""/img]

Steven

Okay, okay, I agree, this second go-'round for the TttR jokes aren't as funny as the first one. http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/jcg60625/duh.gif[" alt=""/img] Out they go.

[img="]http://suzyoge.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/rejected-seal.jpg[" alt=""/img]

Steven[/quote]

Good. Also, is it okay for me to wear the same underwear 3 days in a row?

I'm trying to figure out where to put the "declaration of love." I've come up with two places where it might fit: during Martin's date, and just before the final battle. Where do you think it ought to go?

Steven

I think it should come later after the situation has begun to heat up a little (or a lot). I've always seen Martin as the type to not be too quick to share his feelings, so I'd let him get to know Breta a little better.

I think it should come later after the situation has begun to heat up a little (or a lot). I've always seen Martin as the type to not be too quick to share his feelings, so I'd let him get to know Breta a little better.

Great, thanks! :D The end it is!

http://www.talkandroid.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/seal-of-approval.jpg[" alt=""/img]

With this in mind, I'll write Martin's date accordingly.

Steven