Now I have a what if...

What if you disregard the whole film and all the details, themes and styles in it save for the most superficial? Maybe you'd get something like what I've done below. What do people think of this? A new fanfic of mine called "Ascension of the Stone". Its not related to "Secret of the Stone" in any way, though it follows the movie, naturally. Here's the excerpt:

Jenner grinned at the red jewel he held in his massive paw. He saw his own face sneering back at him from its crimson depths. Mrs. Brisby looked on, helpless. She was trying to raise Brutus' head, stop it sinking into the mud, but he was too heavy. The rain soaked everything, making moving the wounded rat even more difficult, his cloak was totally sodden, caked in mud, a ragged tear brutal evidence of Jenner's actions. Mrs. Brisby raised her eyes to the sky. Where was Justin? They needed him now more than ever. Timothy was standing nearby, stock still, his eyes glazed and unfocussed. He had not recovered from the shock of Jenner's words. Martin, Cynthia, Teresa; his brother and sisters... Gone! He screwed his eyes up against the images of their fate at Jenner's claws. His body was racked with a violent sob. Mrs. Brisby's looked to her son, her last remaining child, and wept. She wanted to hold him, comfort him, but at that Brutus groaned and tried to raise himself. Mrs. Brisby looked to her wounded defender. He was alive. He was breathing heavily, a crimson bauble appeared at the corner of his mouth. He coughed spitting into the swirling morass of mud into which Jenner had flung him.
"Jenner!" he roared, though his voice was ragged and faltered. However the great, dark rat still pried his gaze from the Stone, his Stone, to look at the vanquished. He saw the bodies of two rats of the home guard, Mr. Ages lying crumpled against the withered tree, the same tree that had started all this. But his gaze was drawn to the three nearest him. The little feral mouse, Jonathan's widow, trying to support a mighty Nimh rat, the fallen Brutus (the guardsrat would not survive the night, Jenner reckoned), and finally the pathetic image of Timothy Brisby, desperately trying not to cry, no doubt at the loss of most of his family. Jenner turned his face to the clouds, looking into the twilight, blinking the rainwater from his eyes. He recalled the oldest brisby child, the pleading in their eyes as they observed... Jenner chuckled. This quickly broke into a roar of laughter, he held the Stone aloft, his mouth gaping open and called to the brewing storm,
"Hah ha! I have won! Jonathan's legacy is mine to command, his family is in ruins, and Nicodemus is not long for this world! Behold the victor!" He launched into another bout of hysteria, lightening punctuating each grating breath.
"You monster!" rasped Brutus.
"May NIMH take you!" screamed Mrs. Brisby over the sudden thunder. Such words were called in frustration, and did little to deter Jenner. He lowered his face from the sky and looked once again at the mice and Brutus. He drew his sword and advanced. Brutus pushed Mrs. Brisby back, away from Jenner, but fell back into the mud as he did so. Mrs. Brisby made to help but he pushed her back again, easing himself up. Mrs. Brisby went instead to Timothy, holding her son close, though he was unresponsive, she looked into his gazed eyes and saw such sorrow it made her heart ache, her tears disappearing into her already sodden fur.
Jenner loomed over Brutus, the guardsrat staring back defiantly.
"I'll kill you..." he mumbled, his hand flying to his throat as he suddenly began choking. Jenner grinned and kicked Brutus, flipping him onto his back. Brutus lay quite still, even as Jenner dangled a blade over his heaving chest.
"Another hero for the sepulchre that is Thorn Valley!" he jeered, bringing the sword down. It never touched Brutus. Another sword had knocked it aside. Justin's sword.
"Justin!" squealed Mrs. Brisby. Justin heard her, but did not take his eyes from Jenner.
"You've killed too many for me to show any quarter, Jenner!" he said in low tones as menacing as the dark sky above. Jenner's will faltered, but only briefly. He squeezed the Stone and spat in Justin's face.
"You're too, late, Justin. Too late. I'll bury you with the rest of them back in Thorn Valley. You won't see day break."
"Maybe so, but if I am destined for death I shall drag you by the throat into whatever awaits the murdered after life is extinguished."
Jenner grinned and flicked his sword. Justin tapped it with his own blade, and then surged forward. Jenner defended as best he could, holding his word out, letting Justin run onto it. But he felt steel. Justin was not bluffing. He had killed them both.
"No!" screamed Mrs. Brisby, a helpless onlooker to the tradegy. She wailed again as Justin slumped sideways. Jenner sank to his knees, his paws going to his chest. He had been so close! So very close.
In his hand the Stone pulsed. He looked at it. It pulsed again. He felt its power spreading throughout his body. It was not the end; it was the beginning!
He got to his feet. He felt the Stone's power fortifying him, making him stronger. He looked at his paws and saw claws growing, forcing their way through his fur. He felt the same sensation on his elbows, his shoulders. All over his body. The Stone flew from his hand and landed on his forhwead, fusing itself to his skull. Jenner inhaled sharply, but had no time to scream.
Mrs. Brisby and Timothy watched. Transfixed with horror as they witnessed the terrible metamorphosis. An eery calm had settled. The eye of the storm.
Three horns were growing from Jenner's head, a mass of cruel talons curled from each paw, and vast, leathery wings unfurled from his broad shoulders. It was a twisted and evil creature that now opened its glowing yellow eyes. Its slavering jaws, flowing feely with a black ichor, opened and closed with each breath. Rain pattered onto its carapace, giving it a greasy wet sheen. It roared, the ululating sound was terrible, made worse as it blended with another burst of thunder and lightening. The storm had returned, and Jenner had become something straight from the darkest corners of the soul. Justin , Nicodemus, everyone was lost. Mrs. Brisby and Timothy stood, alone, helpless before the living nightmare. The creature's call continued, and it dawned on Mrs. Brisby with a sickening of her stomach, that it was laughing.
"Fear me!" it screamed above the storm's cacophony. These words seemed to wake Timothy from his stupor. He looked at what Jenner had become and screamed, high and desperate. Jenner spoke again, his words had taken on a strange and disturbing resonance.
"There is no-one to aid you now. NIMH, the Rats... They are of the lower flesh. They cannot stand before me now..." He reared up to his now formidable height and advanced. He was many times as tall as the little mice. He was now so close they could smell his sickly, warm breath. He reached out one set of claws towards Timothy.
Rage bubbled in Mrs. Brisby. Jenner, this monster, had taken so much from her, caused her so much pain, was now going to take her life and the life of her last child. Something snapped. She lashed out, bit at the approaching claw. He clamped her jaws down hard on the thing's appendage, applying all the pressure she could, till she tasted its rank flesh. Jenner pulled his claw back quickly, looking at the insignificant wound.
"Spirited," he rumbled. Mrs. Brisby drew the back of her paw across her mouth, ice cold stare of maternal fury locked on Jenner. It did not help her. Jenner sent her flying across the muddy clearing with one swipe then locked his gaze on Timothy. The little mouse looked from Jenner, to the unmoving form of his mother, and back to Jenner. He was pathetically small before the terrible beast.
"And now... To feast!" Jenner grunted and then wailed.
"You will do no such thing!" came a familiar but entirely unexpected shout. So miraculous was its sound that Mrs. Brisby raised her head.
"Jonathan?" she said, still dazed.
"Dad!" cried Timothy. Jonathan Brisby, riding atop a great golden eagle, wielding a glittering lance, had joined the battle, attacking Jenner's chitinous flank
Jenner whirled and beat his wings, carrying him away from the mouse and the marvellous bird.
"But you are dead!" he screamed, unsure now.
"NIMH changed more than my mind." Jonathan grinned.
"What kind of answer is that?" said Jenner.
"The only one you'll be getting," retorted Jonathan.
"I'll crush you!" roared Jenner brining his barbed claw around. The eagle soared upwards, bearing Jonathan away from the evil hooks. Jenner beat his wings and soared after Jonathan, screaming as he did so,
"What was begun in NIMH will be finished amongst the clouds tonight!"

This is from the climactic scene from my new fanfic. It's right near the end so there's not much after it. I was hoping for something really sensational, something people really wouldn't expect. Let me know what you think, and don't be afraid to be very harsh.

a profound suprise i personaly enjoyed. it may not have restricted itself to the the original story but it flaired in imagenation which is what brought me to enjoy the movie. i would love to see a fan fic about that. i do not always concern myself with things that bring about changing personalities of characters as long as you do it right. under the right circumstances a lion can be brought out of even a mouse.

Why thank you Leejakobson. I'm glad you liked it. I just hope others will se it the same way. It's quite similar to your post in a way, as this is just an initial idea, a very stark, strong image I had in my head. It is, like I believe you said regarding your own story, subject to complete change. I just thought I should lock it down nd get some other opinions.

Yeah, you're absolutely right about the characters. Just as long as it 'feels' right, right? Writing that, I felt it was quite intense. I wanted to write a lighter scene. I was thinking maybe having Nicodemus rapping or something, with his 'Oracle' sending off a light show:

Now that Jonny Bris'
He's no fool
Got altered by NIMH
So he don' need school

Made a magic Stone
To protect his wife
But in heping us
He lost his life

Jenner's bein' tricky
Tryin' to get the Stone
But we're all too busy
Savin' Mrs B's home!

Break it down!

What do you think? Would that work? I'm working on something for the Brisby kids to do, but that tricky. Have you got any thoughts? Always interesting, nay indispensable, to have another's opinion.

I got just one thing to say about that... WOW!!! :shock:

It fits perfectly with the symbolism of all of Bluth's movies..

If you don't mind my asking, what were your influences for that story?

--Tzolkin
ﺶﺞﻚﷲ

Thanks. I'm glad you thought so. I was a little worried about rhyming 'Stone' with 'home' in the last verse, but if you think it's okay…

My influences... Hmmm. Sugar. Lots of it. [Haunted expression flashes across face. Swallows uneasily]. Yeah... Lots of sugar...

I guess other posts just inspired me to simply cut loose, write what seemed good at the time. Has anyone heard of DaDaism? Also the British sitcom 'Yes, minister' helped a lot!

Okey-dokes. If people are liking this, I'll let a bit more slip. I was thinking of using that other post of mine (the one about current research[=http://www.thornvalley.com/commons/forum/viewtopic.php?t=167]current research) and having Justin as a cyborg rat, programmed by NIMH to betray his brethren to the scientists. During the story Jenner was going to reprogram him to destroy the Thorn Valley settlement, thus fulfilling his evil plans. Of course, maybe the heart is stronger than programming… I'm sure Justin's cyborg powers would come in handy at some point in the final fight.

Um, I was referring to your first post when I said wow, but your Nicodemus rapping thing would make a perfect ending to show in the background of whatever ending credits you'd have IMO. :)

Justin as a cyborg? I love it! Just make sure you've got enough background for that sort of thing built beforehand if you decide to include it. Might be interesting to see Justin throw someone long distance with cyborg powers or something of that nature...

--Tzolkin
ﺶﺞﻚﷲ

Aaaaaaaaaaah… I see. I was going to have something else for the end credits. A selection of sepia images of the characters at the 'Weasel and Lettuce'. Ah, happy memories. "Where everybody knows your name…"

Actually I was going to surprise everyone with the cyborg thing. Just lob it in there. Thought it would wrong foot people, you know, make them think: huh? Jenner would start up a barber's in the rosebush, offering free haircuts to members of the home guard. He then awaits Justin to collect this promotional offer. However after the conditioning rinse he puts Justin under the hair dryer. It's actually an electromagnetic stun device! With Justin out for the count he's free to reprogram him to his own dastardly ends. Oh the horror as he lifts off Justin's scalp and we see the Pentium 4!

Well maybe I could put in some clues. Justin can be listening to some music on his Ipod, but it's only later we realise he doesn't own and Ipod, and that his earphones were plugged into his forearm!

By the way. I love the tag at the end of your post, Tzolkin. Very apt...

Heehee, now -that's- a funny image to visualize! Reminds me of some of the alien movies I've seen. I can just see Justin plugging earphones into his forarm during his shift at the sentry post, when a fellow guard walks up to him, and he's trying to talk to them and hide his little secret at the same time. And the thing about Jenner having an EM stun device in a hairdryer. That's also kinda weird, but cool at the same time, since I'd say it'd be pretty easy to rig a hairdryer to zap people.

Oh, thanks.. It took a while to find that one. And to think it was at a goth site.

--Tzolkin
ﺶﺞﻚﷲ

freaky justin a robot extreme suprise i am impressed

Heehee, now -that's- a funny image to visualize!

Funny? FUNNY!? B… B… But it's meant to be scary. It's meant to be a horrific image! It's meant to shock, appal, scintillate, amaze! Jenner (bent on domination of the world through shrewd fiscal manoeuvring involving funds raised from the sale of oil that he has found located under Thorn Valley that he can only access with the Stone and with the Rats safely buried in a clever use of Archimedes principle to raise the oil ready for harvesting which is also the reason why for a short period of time he took to wearing a rather fetching cowboy hat in deference to his newfound oil baron status) is meant to be a diabolical figure, committing unspeakable acts of cruelty upon his brethren. He is not a clown! IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE… Oh wait. Ha ha. Yes, I see. Yes, I suppose that is rather silly. Oh well, he-hi-ho-hum. I suppose every story needs it's lighter moments. Contrast, that's the ticket! Present funny images juxtaposed with scenes of appalling cruelty and you'll get a better all round story, I'm sure. I'll just keep noting down the ideas as the flow freely from my mind.

Heehee, now -that's- a funny image to visualize!

Funny? FUNNY!? B… B… But it's meant to be scary. It's meant to be a horrific image! It's meant to shock, appal, scintillate, amaze! Jenner (bent on domination of the world through shrewd fiscal manoeuvring involving funds raised from the sale of oil that he has found located under Thorn Valley that he can only access with the Stone and with the Rats safely buried in a clever use of Archimedes principle to raise the oil ready for harvesting which is also the reason why for a short period of time he took to wearing a rather fetching cowboy hat in deference to his newfound oil baron status) is meant to be a diabolical figure, committing unspeakable acts of cruelty upon his brethren. He is not a clown! IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE… Oh wait. Ha ha. Yes, I see. Yes, I suppose that is rather silly. Oh well, he-hi-ho-hum. I suppose every story needs it's lighter moments. Contrast, that's the ticket! Present funny images juxtaposed with scenes of appalling cruelty and you'll get a better all round story, I'm sure. I'll just keep noting down the ideas as the flow freely from my mind.

well some times you dont get the effect you want dude. somtimes you just got to go with the flow.

well some times you dont get the effect you want dude

How very true. You can write one thing with one meaning in mind, and some people will get what you're driving at, other's may take a different viewpoint. That's part of the joy of writing I guess, any work can be taken in several different ways, on several different levels. It allows for scope in interpretation, which I suppose sets this apart from science...

Most of the excerpt from the story climax is very good. It has the same atmosphere as the climax of an Shakespearean drama like "Hamlet", "Macbeth" or "Othello". The part before the appearance of Jonathan is full of surprises and not stereotypical.
While the idea of Jonathan´s arrival is good, the presentation of it did´t fit well with the mood of the rest of the text. It reminds me to much of the cliché of the shining knight that rides in to save the damsel in distress in the last second. It would have been better if it was presented in the style of the duel between Gregoire de Frontsac and the master of the beast in the movie "The Brotherhood of the Wolves". This goes only for the descriptions. The lines of the dialog between Jenner and Jonathan fit in very well.

Writing that, I felt it was quite intense. I wanted to write a lighter scene. I was thinking maybe having Nicodemus rapping or something, with his 'Oracle' sending off a light show:

A rapping Nicodemus? Rap is not my favorite music style and this scene reminds me too much about the musical scenes of SoN 2. So I cannot give an objective answer.

Okey-dokes. If people are liking this, I'll let a bit more slip. I was thinking of using that other post of mine (the one about current research) and having Justin as a cyborg rat, programmed by NIMH to betray his brethren to the scientists. During the story Jenner was going to reprogram him to destroy the Thorn Valley settlement, thus fulfilling his evil plans. Of course, maybe the heart is stronger than programming… I'm sure Justin's cyborg powers would come in handy at some point in the final fight.

Justin as a cyborg would also be a great surprise. It adds the theme of an electronic sentient being, which has great story potential, as it is shown in "Terminator 2".

By the way, can you say me what the option "4" on the poll means?

That's some powerful stuff, the story exerpt anyway.

Don't worry, it is very hard to try an illicet a certain responce from a reader. A writer can spend a long time trying to learn this. I think you did a great job. You used many adgetives (sp). Good work.

While the idea of Jonathan´s arrival is good, the presentation of it did´t fit well with the mood of the rest of the text.

That's exactly what I was thinking. I liked the dramatic feel and tragety in the scene as it went, but when Jonathan came down on an eagle, it..pretty much through the whole mood off, at least in my opinion.

Justin as a cyborg sounds (being mentioned many times) like a great surpise for your story, but keep it quiet. I like mechanical beings in a story, whether they be cold, cute, funny, or whatever!

To Martin Siedow:

The ideas you put forward and the literature you draw on to make you points are impressive (you must be very well read) though I must confess there was no parallel intended, and indeed, no particular symbolism or meaning to any of the descriptions. I wrote most of it because it sounded cool, or seemed like a good idea at the time. I was actually going for something quite superficial. The story is meant to be soulless.

There is no particular theme or style to this story either. The finished product will be quite a patchwork of miscellaneous sections, meant to try and appeal to as many different mentalities as possible. The resulting monstrosity, I'm sure, will be interesting to say the least. Well… that's what I'm hoping for at any rate.

As for Option 4… I wanted to see how many people would give the story a rating of four...

To Maxx:

As I said above I thought it seemed like a good idea at the time. But I appreciate the feedback. Hmmm... Perhaps I should have used the Great Owl, bringing back another old character. Maybe an albatross…

As for keeping it quiet. It's a bit late now, though I wouldn't have the patience to keep something like that under my hat. Additionally if I wasn't posting all this how will I know what people think of my story? If I don't get feedback I can't tailor the narrative to try and please everyone.

To Martin, Dragon and Maxx:

Thanks for the comments. It's great (and quite little interesting) to see what everyone is making of the story…

To Maxx:

As for keeping it quiet. It's a bit late now, though I wouldn't have the patience to keep something like that under my hat. Additionally if I wasn't posting all this how will I know what people think of my story? If I don't get feedback I can't tailor the narrative to try and please everyone.

To Martin, Dragon and Maxx:

I'm not sure if I was being serious or just 'fooling around' when I said that, but what I meant was, if you're going to surprise someone, try not to "spill the beans" on your story too much. I understand you want to see what everyone else thinks but what good is reading a fanfic if you already know what's going to happen?