my turn for a what if

in my fan fic i plan to incorperate a sword fight between jenner and mrs brisby. i know that is not in her nature but this is a taste of what it will probably be like.
after watching him strick down jonathan, justin, martin, and Nicodemus in front of her he begins to desend upon the injured timothy and her daghters. "jonathan had taught her all he knew about sword play and giving her two two sword for she was more better at handling two blades at once than handling one" the war between jenner and there reble party had hurt her finaly with him striking most of who she cared most for in one day began to change her with anger in her so deep that the only thing that could subside it would be the end of this war through the death of jenner. she approached catiously jenner had better sword skills but she had something 1000 times what he had she had released powers inside her that could split moutains stop tornadoes control nature. the stone had released it. she drew both blades she was not holding back for jenner but for the worry of hitting what was left of her family jenner seen her even though he obtained half of the power she had the night she revived him from the stone. he was certain she would back down because of his supirior sword play. but the moment he blink at her she started at him using her powers to make her swing like lighting he barely able to counter and catch her bl;ade he obviously knew she was better trained at her powers and now that she could use them freely with her sword he was at a major disadvantage she was taught by Nicodemus while he was self taught she followed him swing by swing in a battle that would shake the earth the area they fought around shook so greatly from battle that they thought an earthquak was terring the world in 2 while each time there blades met they sent shock waves of lighting and fire made a sound so loud and violent that across the world it was heard the battle rage for days and ended in bad luck for the brisbies when mrs brisby shattered jenner sword when his powers were too weak to brace it spread shrapenal in her armsforcing her to drop her blades in pain.

Interesting, in a way. . . Yet I must ask, during what part of your story does this happen?

I know you might not have got that far in the story, but can you give us an idea of the context this battle is held in? What's happened or is threatening to happen that would get Mrs. Brisby upset enough to fight?

--Tzolkin
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Interesting, in a way. . . Yet I must ask, during what part of your story does this happen?

I know you might not have got that far in the story, but can you give us an idea of the context this battle is held in? What's happened or is threatening to happen that would get Mrs. Brisby upset enough to fight?

--Tzolkin
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actually you are correct i have not got that far but i was planning this battle scene for the end. you only have seen part of it. the part were mrs frisby is involved several characters shall not be in this fight scene cynthia, timothy, Nicodemus, martin, and jonathan. terisa and mr ages will tend the injured throughout it. but they will not fight.

At first I thought "You have to be kidding... Mrs. Brisby involved in swordplay??" But then I thought back to the movie and the book and I began to remember the type of character that Mrs. B was and more importantly, the type of character she developed into. While basically timid and shy, she nevertheless has great "courage of the heart" especially when the lives of her children are at stake. Because of this, I can quite easily see her facing down Jenner in a fierce battle in defense of not only her life, but the lives of those she cares for as well. I would have to agree with Tzolkin in that you would need to tell us where in the story such a battle takes place, what precipitates said battle, etc.

Peace :)

I don't know... perhaps I could see Mrs. Brisby using a sword to try to defend her family, but it would be a last-resort sort of thing. If she had the stone (and therefore its power) she probably wouldn't need a sword to kill/harm/dissuade/whatever Jenner--she could just use its power directly. If she didn't, then I think that if she /had/ to use a sword, she'd wield it awkwardly at best--I mean, who would've taught her to use it? And how would she get a mouse-sized sword in the first place? Finally, without the stone, she wouldn't have nearly the strength necessary to beat Jenner, and would be at a disadvantage with a smaller sword. Perhaps her agility might make up for some of it, but...

Secondly, would this sort of confrontation be in her nature? Perhaps if her children were threatened--or possibly even herself--but IMHO she wouldn't seek to fight with Jenner unless there was a very good reason for her to, AND there was no one else to do the job (like Justin).

I'm sorry, but I just don't see it. :?

I would agree with Simon. An ordinary, feral mouse against a big NIMH-rat like Jenner? Remember he was bigger than Justin! Also I'm sure I remember hints in the book hinting that as well as increased intelligence, NIMH treated animals also got improved size and strength (or at least their increased life spans would lead to this. Did you know rats only stop growing when they die?). Brisby would never have a chance. He would monster her, just like that. However, I do like the idea of her desperately trying to save her children from the evil Jenner. Also, just a thought, how about Jonathan possesses Mrs. Brisby using the Stone and fights through her? Eh... Maybe not. For a good sword fight I would personally like to see Jenner (big, evil, nasty) versus Brutus (big, grumpy, heart of gold). Now there would be a clash of the titans!

perhaps i should write more in my fanfic before i add this but this scene happens after several people she knows and her herself along with her husband {who fake his own death} into hiding the rats of nimh are hunted down and he wants mrs brisby because of her incredible power with both stones she was taught sword play by her husband and although she does not wish to continue to fight must for the future of her family and the fate of the other rats.

now i know it does not fit her personality but hey it is inventive anyway i may switch her role with someone like timmy or cinthia.
one other thing the reason i chose her was to get the reaction you just gave. i was wondering how far would i have to push to bring suprise to my audience but in no way do i mean any offense so please do not take none remember in my fan fics i like to shock the audience. keeps things interesting.which is prabably why i revieled the new side of her all of a sudden and i dont have major details keeps you on your toes dont it.

suprises are needed even in the dallest of lives

Okay leejakobson. I see where you're coming from. Don't worry about causing offence, none is taken. A few words of advice though. Be careful when writing when your sole purpose is sensation and a wish to shock. In the first drafts of my fan fic I thought just the same ("If I do this, no one will see it coming and they'll be really surprised and my story will be great!"). However Simon, on seeing the drafts, pointed out that although I was correct, you really didn't expect it, he also very rightly said it didn't make reading the story very satisfying. When, as a reader, you are greeted at a totally unexpected (and possibly incongruous) revelation at every turn of the page, you will begin to become bewildered, confused, and probably start to feel that you are being manipulated by the writer. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of melodrama, but be sure that's what you want to achieve. If it is impossible to work things out, if there is no internal logic, if the reader is in a perpetual state of confusion, there is no reward for a thinking reader. If there's no reward for thinking ahead, taking in the story, people won’t bother and so they will find it less satisfying.

Another potential danger that you should keep in mind is that you obliterate the characters that the book and film so lovingly created. While character progression is important, nigh on critical, there is the possibility that in an effort to shock and amaze that you change them beyond all recognition. If that's your goal, then no problem (an event can be so traumatic that someone's personality could be radically altered by it), but it's worth asking yourself all the time as you write, "is this NIMH? Is that what the character would do?"

I've said it before, it's your story, make sure your happy with it above all else, this is just one persons opinion… but do think about issues like these while the story is in its draft phase. It gets harder to change things the longer you leave it and plot points get locked into place.

Okay leejakobson. I see where you're coming from. Don't worry about causing offence, none is taken. A few words of advice though. Be careful when writing when your sole purpose is sensation and a wish to shock. In the first drafts of my fan fic I thought just the same ("If I do this, no one will see it coming and they'll be really surprised and my story will be great!"). However Simon, on seeing the drafts, pointed out that although I was correct, you really didn't expect it, he also very rightly said it didn't make reading the story very satisfying. When, as a reader, you are greeted at a totally unexpected (and possibly incongruous) revelation at every turn of the page, you will begin to become bewildered, confused, and probably start to feel that you are being manipulated by the writer. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of melodrama, but be sure that's what you want to achieve. If it is impossible to work things out, if there is no internal logic, if the reader is in a perpetual state of confusion, there is no reward for a thinking reader. If there's no reward for thinking ahead, taking in the story, people won’t bother and so they will find it less satisfying.

Another potential danger that you should keep in mind is that you obliterate the characters that the book and film so lovingly created. While character progression is important, nigh on critical, there is the possibility that in an effort to shock and amaze that you change them beyond all recognition. If that's your goal, then no problem (an event can be so traumatic that someone's personality could be radically altered by it), but it's worth asking yourself all the time as you write, "is this NIMH? Is that what the character would do?"

I've said it before, it's your story, make sure your happy with it above all else, this is just one persons opinion… but do think about issues like these while the story is in its draft phase. It gets harder to change things the longer you leave it and plot points get locked into place.

dont worry i dont plan to destroy the character and as far as that scene goes it is still very experemental and may be cut out all together you must relize that the scene is an idea for the end of the fan fic and i sublemented it to soon. i really should hbave waited until thier was enough back ground behind it. i am sorry for the suprising shock i gave you but as i said befor i was trying to shock you and others. and even was thinking of having it in the prologe

I seriously don't see anything wrong with a shocking story. Keeps things interesting... if it is done well, and has enough background to it. :wink:

--Tzolkin
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